As I write this I'm slowly
beginning to realize the significance of this night. I
feel this is as big as the night I dreamt up
4tvs...November 3rd, 1998. As always, there's a nice
course of events that have led to this moment, and all
of which have happened in the last couple
days...
As you know I've been in limbo
with Sam Ash for quite some time. I horrid place to
be. Without routine or pattern, life is difficult is
difficult to make productive. I used to shun routine,
but I've grown to see the importance of it.
Unfortunately, Will & Scott at Sam Ash hold that
pattern and like to make excuses. They remind me a lot
of Darryl. I guess all bosses have a bit of that in
'em. For christ's sake tell me the truth. Stop leading
me around. So in the middle of this I get a letter
from Daryn - The Laughing Ogre President. The Laughing
Ogre is a comic book store in Columbus where I had one
of my most succesful shows. One paragraph in his
letter stood out. What was meant to be a light hearted
little shove, has become a mantra I have bounced
around in my head for 3 days:
Now get your
little girlie ass into a club and perform! Agree to
work
for free
(maybe as a busboy) in exchange for stage time.
You're supposed to
be pushing
4TVs, so do it and quit whining about Sam Ash! Your
ass should
be on the
street every day looking for a 4TVs venue, not a
pissant job. Hit
the club
management offices, bully your way past the damn
secretary, and
press the
flesh with the bossman. At worst, you get escorted
out by
security.
Get your face in their face. Rent a generator and
set up in the
parking
lot...even if you get arrested, you should get some
publicity. You
didn't go
out there to be cautious and
meek!
Don't make
me come out there...
D
At first I laughed. I can see
Daryn saying this, and it was taked very lightly.
Didn't think much of it. Then Thursday I went for the
fourth time to Sam Ash and watched Will squirm his way
around me and make some exscuse on why he hadn't
decided yet. I went home and reread that paragraph.
Reread it, for some reason the second time it is so
obvious it hurts my head:
Now get your
little girlie ass into a club and perform! Agree to
work
for free
(maybe as a busboy) in exchange for stage time.
You're supposed to
be pushing
4TVs, so do it and quit whining about Sam Ash! Your
ass should
be on the
street every day looking for a 4TVs venue, not a
pissant job. Hit
the club
management offices, bully your way past the damn
secretary, and
press the
flesh with the bossman. At worst, you get escorted
out by
security.
Get your face in their face. Rent a generator and
set up in the
parking
lot...even if you get arrested, you should get some
publicity. You
didn't go
out there to be cautious and
meek!
Don't make
me come out there...
D
Yeah, I wish I could just blow off
responsibilities and do that, but I can't. And then
tonight it really hit me.
Jess came home from her first
preliminary day of work and is buzzing. It has to be
the coffee man. She loves this job. And get this. That
benefits package? It covers ME. Even though we're not
married yet. Because they hire so many gay &
lesbian workers, they had to have a benefits package
that covers someone you live with. WOW. I was floored.
Hung out with Jess a bit and tried to feed off her
glowing aura, and decided to call Sam Ash again. They
said they could offer me a job being the "greeter" at
the door. I know this pays roughly $6 an hour. I
couldn't see how that was worth it, especially if it
cut into my time promoting 4tvs. Then finally...after
a long talk with Jess, the night became a turning
point. I'm not getting a job. And here's
why:
Jess and I have been handed a huge
opportunity. Because of the money we saved and $4000
loaned to us from my respective grandmothers, we don't
have immediate rent problems. Jess landed a huge job
that can keep both of us eating. You guys have
promised to throw a few bones our way, and I am a
stones throw from Hollywood. AM I CRAZY? Who in their
right mind cannot see what needs to be done here? I
know I have the talent and drive, and on top of that
I've been given an amazing 6 month cushion that I'm
wasting away waiting for a "pissant job".
ADAM, GO DO IT. DO IT.
DON'T LOOK BACK
And that's exactly what I'm going
to do. Every moment I have in the day will be filled
with 4tvs. How could I live with myself if I didn't
take full advantage of this? Calling every possible
person. Watching the doors slam in my face and
knocking harder. I simply had to say to myself: "Take
advantage of your surroundings..." For some fucking
reason I feel the need to never accept anything from
anyone. I have to do it by myself. But if I don't do
this now, I'll lose my dream forever. Jessica loves
and supports me. And with her working and (cringe)
supporting me, I will do this.
Now HANG ON ALL WOMEN reading
this. I was not cringing because she is a woman, I'm
cringing because I've never EVER EVER EVER been in
this situation before. Especially when I could easily
go make what she's making. I'm now being SELFISH and
doing something that could very well bring in NO money
for some time. While she works incredible hours just
to help me. It's such a foreign concept to me, but
GODDAMNIT 4TVS will work. But not if I try to budget
it into my schedule. Just freakin' do it Adam.
AHHHH...why the hell do I struggle so much. This all
must seem so melodramatic to all of you. But it really
is my life. Our life. I finally got out of bed to let
her sleep because I was talking her ear off. This is
such an internal struggle. I never thought it would be
this hard. Having to be selfish, in order to provide
in the future. Wow.
And on top of all that I lost my
shoe in the ocean. Son of a bitch. I really didn't
think the waves would go that far. GODDAMNIT. I put my
shoes on a log about 15 feet from where the waves were
hitting. Then when I went to get them before we left,
I saw one show and a toppled log. My freakin' favorite
shoes in the world. And I have one shoe. One damn shoe
filled with sand. The other has gone off to China. I
had to laugh because of my reaction. You know how when
you see a movie and someone reacts to anything
remotely bad. I always felt it was poor
acting/scriptwriting when the person said: "Oh, No!"
All dramatic. Well sunuva bitch I was wrong. Without
even thinking I said: "Oh, No..." at the site of my
one shoe. And it wasn't a manly 'oh no', it was a
girly 'oh no'. And it was sincere as hell. I laughed
at how stupid I sounded, but I was really shocked. And
really bummed. Those shoes and my hat were the only
freaking things that made it to every 4tvs show in
Columbus. Yes, they were beat to hell, but damnit I
liked 'em...
(sigh), what a loooong day. Thank
you so much Daryn. I have thought about that paragraph
for days and nearly memorized it. I'm not sure if you
meant to just be funny or really meant to say "A job?
Go push your show moron!". You're right. And on top of
that, my rent is paid for for 6 months! I know, I have
to pay off those loans ASAP, but really - if it takes
8 months instead of 4, will they cut off my fingers?
Of course I will pay that money back. OF COURSE I
will. But, I have to take all these breaks as a sign.
Jesus, I drive all the way out here, drag all of you
along with me, and then expect you guys to give a shit
about my ho-hum job and mysporadic phone calls to
nightclubs? Screw that. I'm gonna go nuts. I'm gonna
live in Hollywood and Universal city, and downtown LA.
Until it gets dark of course, then I'm RUNNIN' back
home.
Ok, I'm done...and let's read it
just one more time for good measure:
Now get your
little girlie ass into a club and perform! Agree to
work
for free
(maybe as a busboy) in exchange for stage time.
You're supposed to
be pushing
4TVs, so do it and quit whining about Sam Ash! Your
ass should
be on the
street every day looking for a 4TVs venue, not a
pissant job. Hit
the club
management offices, bully your way past the damn
secretary, and
press the
flesh with the bossman. At worst, you get escorted
out by
security.
Get your face in their face. Rent a generator and
set up in the
parking
lot...even if you get arrested, you should get some
publicity. You
didn't go
out there to be cautious and
meek!
Don't make
me come out there...
D
Thanks again Daryn. You may never
know how much your words have changed the course of my
life...
The video for this
entry is a clip from Kevin Eubank's
personal promo. It's part of the opening.
Enjoy...