- 8:47 PM,
Wednesday, March 16th, 2022:
-
- A drink in, and
I can write what may be a locked entry. What, the
fuck, just happened. I'll give you the video and try
to unpack it...
-
-
- When
I hear you cry there's something in me that
needs to wipe your eyes,
- But I'm
here. A lifetime away...
-
- So a call from my
ex, Jess, prompted this. All of which probably needs
an explanation. I am not yearing to be with her,
I love her husband Jeff - that's not the emotion
here although outsiders watching that video probably
don't understand how close we are to them.
-
- Jess, Talya and I
have always kept in touch - talking every couple
months. They recently moved to Florida and are now
moving back... so her family is going through a LOT
right now. We are far past the time where it's
appropriate to talk about details of what they're
going through, we've been apart for nearly 20 years,
but suffice to say - it is a fuckton. And again, Talya
and I have had numerous conversations with her over
the past few years and we both genuinely care about
her. Me, for obvious reasons, but for Talya (speaking
for her) there's something about midwest nice that
people from California truly do appreciate. That's the
feeling I get. Maybe Talya writes an entry on
here. Seems a rite-of-passage for Kontras wives - LOL.
But they've actually talked together without me...
obviously they have one commonality (me), but in
general - they're both just nice people and like each
other. They'd be friends with or without
me.
-
- So when I heard
Jess break down crying today, and then have to hang up
really quick... I spent like 8 minutes battling
all these emotions. Those 8 minutes happened to be
when I said goodbye to my kids who were going to
school. Crazy timing, it was right as they were
walking out. When she called back to continue filling
me in, I was CLEARLY shaken. She asked if I was
alright and I just wept. And I could barely get
out the words: "I just love you and want you to be
happy" to which she broke down again and we had this
bizarre moment that felt like 2004. There was this
overwhelming need to help her. To wipe her eyes, help
her solve the problems... all that...
-
- ...except I'm 20
years away, that's not my role, and it was just this
part of my cranium that hadn't been accessed for 18
years. When we finally hung up, I just cried. I hadn't
heard her cry like that in so long and... ya
know what it's like? Have you ever heard your parent
yell something when you're an adult and the hairs on
the back of your neck stand up like you're a little
kid? THAT is what it felt like.
-
- Of course, I went
to what I went to then and spit out the song posted
here: "A Lifetime Away" which I immediately know is a
full song, but can't really work it all out and knew I
just had to upload it incomplete to document the
moment. Something I don't believe I've done in over a
decade. Why?
BECAUSE MY LIFE IS FUCKING AWESOME
and I don't NEED TO anymore. Which then opens up
a whole new can of worms:
-
- Is this "Where You
Once Belonged"??!?!?! Do I have to have trauma? Am I
only able to write when I access a place of
devastation?!?! FUCK. The above MINUTE is better than
ANYTHING I've produced since making this studio
and it happened instantly, almost subconsciously. I
clearly know how to capture WILDLY dramatic moods in
song. But nothing in my life (except a random phone
call apparently) is dramatic. I can't make an album of
love songs about an ex-wife because her life happens
to be more dramatic, ya know? I mean, Talya is an
understanding wife...
-
- CLEARLY
-
- ...but that's
asking a lot, and I don't really even
WANT to...
-
- But that right
there? That's a song. It's an emotion I have to admit
is almost fatherly. That's what I feel with my
children. It's a bit of what I felt when I was stuck
in Columbus in the snowstorm and couldn't say
goodnight to my kids. I wanted to hug and comfort them
- but even that is a glaring example of how
DEVOID of drama my life is, ya know?
ONE FUCKING WEEK away from my children and
I'm suddenly angsty and sad. That or an overwhelming
phone call from a friend. My actual life?
A GODDAMN BREEZE. And one that I don't know
how to make into an album. I can't make-up emotion.
I'm fat and happy. That ain't a song. That's the
end.
-
- Now I'm in the
midst of all of this, and we're about to take a long
trip back home
(PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF FUCK SPIRIT AIRLINES DON'T MESS THIS UP)
so I'll address this when I get back but I knew this
was an entry the moment I sat at the piano. It came
out IMMEDIATELY. Goddamn it's magic. I swear,
songwriting is magic. If you have the talent to
translate emotions into art - the end result feels
like an out-of-body experience.
-
- I can't wrap my
head around what that means for this documentary, but
time will tell.
-
- Whew,
-
- Adam
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