In an unreasonable
show of irony, Marty goes back home the EXACT same day
he did last year. I'm truly struggling with the words
to describe my feelings here. Completely disappointed.
In fact for the first time, I'm probably not gonna
speak my true feelings here. Marty is a good friend
and I'm taking this very personally. I'm not sure
marty can even understand how I feel.
His biggest reason
is that it's just too enticing financially to go back
to Columbus. He got his old job at Speedway back, and
can net more money in Columbus than he can in LA.
That's really it. He's not even unhappy. Begs the
question: "Why did you come out here?" - but again, I
need to back away here and let things fall into place.
I put way too much stock in others sometimes, and
then get hurt when things fall through.
As well,
apparently Paddy called me pre-maturely about The
Tick. He said we were in, but apparently that isn't
the case. The new assistant directors apparently
brought their own people/ Paddy seemed to know this
was possible, but didn't pass that along to
me...
The title of this
entry I guess now is self explanatory. I just
can't believe people sometimes. People live for the
moment it seems. They say things for the immediate
gratification, and then expect you not to care when it
all falls through in a week or a month. They just want
the opportunity to have the big news, or look like
"the shit". It's the motto of LA.
Then again, I
consistently put my trust in people. I always
assume they're not talking shit. I assume they've
thought it through. I assume if there was a catch
they'd tell me. "Adam we're on the list, but it could
still be changed at any moment." Much different than
"we're in".
I want so
badly to associate myself with determined, intelligent
people. Accountable people. Goddamn accountability is
impossible.
Does Moose even
fit into this? I'm rambling. OOOH! Good
example.
Any of you read
Palaur? Well do it, because here's how
I feel:
Laura and
I were driving around during one of our on times.
She knew she was leaving Pat, and was excited aout
life. We were in the neighborhood of my grandparents,
and I stopped to introduce her to them. Madly in
love, so proud of her. They happened to not be at
home. It ended up that Laura was full of it, and
everything fell through. The embarrassment I would've
felt had they met her is unmeasureable. I value my
credibility. And I want others to also...
So when I share
things as fact, or take someone's word for it - and
write it off as truth, then moments later to have to
say: "oops, nevermind..."
THAT PISSES ME OFF. I am somewhat
responsible for that. It makes me want to completely
disassociate with anyone who does that to me. Even if
it's unintentional.
Marty certainly
didn't intend to come out here for 6 weeks and go
home, but that's what happened. And it didn't happen
because he couldn't afford it, but because he could
make a bit more money back in Gahanna. They spent over
$5000 just moving out, staying for a month, and moving
back. $5000. A teeny bit of preperation could've
solved everything, but he just wants the LUXURY of
working at speedway and getting to eat a free slurpee
whenever he wants. That's it. If he wanted to make it
work, he could. I sit and think of all the people
that supported him back in Gahanna and gave him a big
going away party. They should be just as pissed as me.
It's like crying wolf. Especially since this happened
a year ago.
Then again, am I
completely irrational? Am I completely off-base
here? What would you do? I am over-analytical to
a fault, but I'm analyzing feelings here. I'm not
making these up. I'm just trying to figure out why the
hell I'm so PISSED OFF.
Accountability is
a big issue. I dealt with it all the time with friends
back home. Leon Kerber. The most immensely talented
man I have ever met. Could sing, write, play multiple
instruments...could smoke pot for months on end and
never get off the couch. (sigh) - For years I tried to
help him and push him to make something of these
talents. In fact he's one of the reasons 4tvs was even
thought of. The only time I ever found someone with
the talent to maybe consider doing a joint project
with, all he cared about was doing a joint. With 4tvs
I never had to worry about anyone else being
accountable. AND GODDAMNIT:
When
I created the new set-up for 4tvs I made it
adament to Marty that this redesign was dependent on
him being there. "Of course, my work knows about all
your
shows..I WILL BE THERE"
Then he calls me
up on new year's day and just says he's goin' back to
Columbus. I go to his place and he isn't even upset
about it. Excited about going back to speedway and
making enough money to go out to eat and play
pool.
I guess
I just want so badly to NOT disassociate myself
with Marty. I like Marty, but now it seems he'll be
nothing more than a guy who hung out at The Late Show
for a year of my life......
I'm also afraid
many of you will think I'm mad just because he isn't
here supporting me. That couldn't be further from the
truth. I just want someone to depend on. Both
Jess and I feel that way. We have each other of
course. Thank God for that, but can anyone show up on
time? Can anyone do anything they say they're gonna
do? FOLLOW THROUGH
EVEN WHEN IT GETS HARD. Does
anyone care about that?
Bottom line: I
love ya like a brother Marty. I wish only the
best for you, and I'm sorry I'm ranting so damn much -
I'm just hurt. And Paddy, you don't have to be "LA"
with me. Tell it like it is. If everything you're
involved in falls to shit in a month, it's no big
deal. You don't need to talk it up. And for christ
sake if something isn't final - please say that. It
makes us both look moronic.
Goddamnit
2001. This blows. Got a song out of it
though. Catchy tune...pissy adam...and
take it with a grain of salt Marty - this
is in no way a "Ordinary Marty"
song...just stuck in my head.
TALKIN SHIT.
