I completely
expected to wake up this morning to the sounds of
J-Dog. It was a year ago today that he found his way
back from somewhere after 4 1/2 Months. Of course it
wasn't the case. I swear I've had more dreams about
finding J-Dog in the past few months... What's worse
is I know in reality - it wouldn't be the
greatest thing if he came back. He couldn't stay
here...we'd be in a rut again, but I just feel so
goddamn responsible for him. I've had him in my
control since he was 6 weeks. Way too young. He's been
with me since early 1996 - and now he's just gone. And
I'm the one who dropped his ass off at some strange
place, and then stopped comin' around for 2 weeks
cause I was on vacation. (sigh). This will stick
with me for awhile.
To add to the fun,
I was COMPLETELY taken off-guard a few nights ago
while perusing through old tapes. I found one of
my WTVN signings and all the sudden - BOOM. Nana, my
grandmother who passed away in 2000. It was strange I
could feel it building. She wasn't there right away,
and then I started to feel something and BOOM -
she came on-screen and I lost it. Mainly because
I was certain there was no video of her. I
searched forever in 2000 and found nothing but a short
little 1 second clip. I had already resigned to
the fact that there was no moving pictures of her. Man
emotional reactions are so strange. We think we're in
control you know? It hit me like a baseball bat.
I was weeping in seconds. That's what happens
when you push shit out of your head for years. When
shit is just too painful to deal with it catches up on
you. As you may remember, I wasn't told my grandmother
was sick until a few weeks before she died. Apparently
in an attempt to "make it easier on the boys" (my
uncle and I are only 3 1/2 years apart and were both
raised by my mom and grandmother). Well of course the
opposite occured. We were both blindsided and had zero
time to let it sink in. By the time it did, she was
already gone - and then it was just too fucking
painful to think about. It's the opposite of how
I deal with everything in my life, but with this,
I wasn't given the choice. Ugh.
Uhm.
Had a show Sunday.
LOL. It's an afterthought now. I have to
move onto another show. 'Cause everyone
loves The Trinitrons so much, and tells me
I'm gonna be super-famous in a matter of
weeks after they see it, and at this point
- I know it all means shit. So I can't
even enjoy the compliments 'cause in my
head I'm thinking "Whatever, you have
nooooooooo idea...". Of course it still
makes me feel good that people like it.
But damnit they're right. This SHOULD get
me where I need to be, but it doesn't.
So the night is a
mix of happiness and frustration...which in the end
just leads to more depression about the whole thing.
Working on #2 wil fix that though. Paddy gave me a
good idea about #2, and I'm really close to poundin'
out the script in a weekend. I have a feeling
this will come much quicker (even with rewrites) than
the absolute hell that was 2001. I should've known
right then...
But anyway, the
show went great, it was fun to set up everything after
so long. I pretty much believe that was the last
Trinitrons Show until the sequel.
Still no "decline"
from Aspen, although it obviously is. As I've said
before, I now understand why it was idiotic to think
that show was right for Aspen. It isn't. "The Journey"
may be, but certainly not The Trinitrons or even part
2. Hell the only reason I'm making T2 (heh) is because
it will be quality. I see absolutely no way that it
helps my career, but it will be something I'm proud
of. Gotta remember that in the long run it's all tha
to cunts. <-----wow. Is that an amazing typo or
what? All that counts. Classic.
Headin' up on the
end of the year. Amazingly with the same amount of
entries as last year. How that can be is beyond me.
The entries this year have sucked more than ever. I
mean seriously, how many different ways can you bitch
and moan? Hmm, about 65. Of course this means
I have to somehow make a year-end video. I swear
this is an absolute impossibility. I usually pick
about 12 big events and do the nice slow-motion
"Gladiator song thingee", but don't see how that's
gonna be possible. Without about 5 straight moments
being "Adam sings about being bummed". LOL. That would
be pretty funny. The songs are a saving grace though.
I inadvertantly wrote "The Journey" 4tvs show with
them.
You know when I
look at it all, I guess I'm not really so depressed
career-wise. The problem is, I still don't have a
fucking job, or a clue on how to get one that'll make
more than $8 an hour. That's depressing. But
career-wise, I'm just not so over-anxious as I was the
first 3 years. Oh jesus, I'm speaking in years now.
But really...I'm in LA. I have good ideas, I'll follow
them through - and keep scheming. Someday I'll meet
someone who'll add some life into those ideas, maybe
add more -and it'll hit.
For some reason
I'm adament it'll be another celbrity. I don't know
why that is. I feel the only way I'm gonna be seen, is
if a very famous person sees the show, and is
determined to help. I think it's 'cause they can
relate. They understand just how nuts 4tvs is, and how
special it is. It's like talking to Michele. She has
zero doubt. She saw it, was amazed and has no doubt
it's gonna happen. With all the people she's worked
with, that says a lot. I just feel like...a Robin
Williams or something will happen upon the show and
BAM give me the direction I need, or the path I need
to follow. I just have to keep finding new and
interesting ways to blow people away. I don't
know...I'm rambling. But that's what's in my head
now.
And maybe it will
be Paul McCartney? Seeing as he saw it fit to put me
and Jess in his new DVD. Seems only fair
right?
How cool is that?
Funniest thing. So I'm talkin to Marty as I'm beating
his ass again at NFL2k3 (I'm 9-1). And he's like
"wouldn't it be cool if you were in a shot".
I keep saying there's just now way. The only
LA shots are of celebrities, and are seats
weren't that good. Then Scott comes by saying the same
thing as we're watching it and I'm like "No way man -
crowd's just too big". And then BAM. I pause it 'cause
I realize the shot is in LA and could be close, and
both me and jess run up to the screen at the same time
and point us out. Thank GOD we wore white eh? If
you watch it in motion you can see us swayin' around
and shit. It's pretty cool. This is about a minute
into "Hey Jude" if you were wondering. And again,
THANK YOU DAD. That was something we
absolutely never could've done on our own, and it's a
lifetime memory. Hope you enjoy the DVD of it
;).
