Seriously,
I re-titled this entry 4 times, and then just
said screw it: You guys pick. I assume the Seth
Greene one will be the winner.
More than anything
this year, The Journey has been about survival. Mental
survival. Earlier, I showed a pretty massive kink in
my armor, and cut my chances of making it out here
from slim to none. What happened with Charlotte was
bad, a disappointment, a nice kick in the pants - but
it was my "head" that turned it into suicide. It was
also this "Journey". Yup, hate to say it, but typing
these entries added more to my stress level than
anything. The responsibility I feel to "The Journey"
to keep the story moving in a positive direction, made
the Charlotte debacle nearly kill me. So first of all
that shit has to change, and already has. Where was
I?
Jesus I ramble.
Anyway, this year has been filled with self-doubt over
just how poorly I've come to handle disappointments.
What used to be my strongest trait (turning negatives
into positives) all but left me in February, and now
if the tiniest thing goes awry - boom, I'm depressed.
Then on top of all of that, I just have to THINK
about this year - and POW, I'm gone. I'm a spineless
amoeba wallowing in this self-hatred soup called life.
<----That was a strange sentence.
So all of this is
pretty bad. It's pretty much the last thing you need
to make it in this city. You have to ROLL with the
punches. You have to. When every plan you had, just
crumbles...you get up and make new ones. The
inconceivable to me: Meeting another Charlotte type
manager - getting as invovled and as far along as I
did with Charlotte, and then having the same thing
happen again is COMPLETELY POSSIBLE. It's
happened to many people out here. That's what they
talk about when they say this city will kick your ass.
But if you have any plans whatsoever of making it, you
roll with it. The one determing factor in the ABILITY
to "roll with it" of course is faith in yourself and
your abilities: EGO. And unfortunately, along with
everything else, I was stripped of every ounce of that
in February. That can NEVER, EVER, happen again. And I
am already finding that the old Adam is
back...
You ask me in
April of 2001 how important my weight was (when
I hit 150), you'd find a pretty determined,
confident man who had finally conquered a life-long
demon. On December 1st, 2002 I've gained half the
weight back. Yup. 175 is within my reach with one more
trip to McDonalds. LOL. Why? Depression. Yeah - the
"super-depression" makes you not eat, but normal
depression? That just makes you not care. LOL. About
what you eat, working out, none of it.
So I step on the
scale the other day - expecting 163, and I see
172. What should've been a rather sad moment in my
life - became a turning point. You know what my first,
almost INSTANT thought was? "3 more pounds and I
can do a short film with Fat Adam and Skinny Adam
split screened. 25 pounds apart" Something I had
wished I could do when I was 200, but now
can at least do with half of it. I was excited again.
It seemed I had a bit of purpose. A bit of
motivation. It was the one missing trait that I
completely took for granted all these years. My
instinctual nature to take a negative situation, and
immediately find a positive solution to it. So now, in
a month or two, not only will I be back to my fighting
weight - but I'll have a cool little short film about
it. So I'm better of than I was before. Perfect.
Of course, that
was easy. I have a manual written on how to lose
weight, and all I have to do is ride a bike for
30 minutes a day and eat a strict diest of rice
chicken and veggies. The excecution is kinda hard, but
the ability to see that solution isn't. It's not like
I could've done this very well with Charlotte.
Actually, I did do it with Charlotte...remember? It
was Marshall saying: "Imagine if you HAD gotten
into Aspen and she was your manager." It was that bit
of positive spin that I needed. Unfortunately,
the bottom line was I had zero direction and the
depression came anyway... Oh yeah, Aspen.
I left a message
for one of the judges on Wednesday, hoping to simply
be included in their pool of contestents for the
one-man show. I may be too late, but I did
everything I could think of to get in contact
with them. It's not like their phone numbers are
posted on a website. Luckily my agent was able to get
me her phone and I left a message. Most likely they
won't even get it until Monday, but last year they
extended their November 30th deadline, so here's
hoping I get another chance. Again, I'm not too
concerned with it this year, as I believe now
more than ever that Charlotte was completely clueless
to what my chances were. I now believe I was
barely in the running, and that Charlotte sheltered me
from the truth about it to keep herself from looking
foolish. It's funny, I had tiny inklings of that
during that period (you can even read snippets of it
in my entries if you read between the lines) but I
always held out hope that I was just paranoid.
Guess not. Either way, here's hoping I at least
hear back from them. I bona-fide denial would
certainly make me happy. To actually hear with my
OWN ears that it was rejected would at least give
me the INFORMATION I needed to take the next
logical step. Having a go-between keep me out of the
loop before really fucked up my instincts on what the
next move was. I had no choice but to follow her
lead. What a learning experience. And I can see that
now.
Speaking of
learning experiences, I've had 2 auditions since we
last wrote! Can you believe it?
WHY HAVEN'T I WRITTEN EARLIER!!
Well, I made the choice before the first one, that
I was not gonna do an entry for every audtion. I
just can't take that. If something amazingly perfect
for me hits (like the videogame show host), well yeah,
I'm gonna write. But to be in a Dr. Scholls
commercial, I'll just update you on. LOL. It could get
quite tiresome to read about EVERY little
thing.
As well, after how
bad the first one went, I wanted to forget about
it. And there you go, enter the #2 thing that showed
me that I'm back to me again. I allowed something
to roll off my back, that started to eat at me. The
role was an ABC promo of a nervous man asking his
girlfriend's father for what the audience thinks is
his daughter's hand in marriage, only to find out he's
just asking if they can move in together. It called
for me to do the one thing, so far, that I suck at
when it comes to acting: playing a nervous guy, but
not look nervous about the audition. I will tell you
know, I wasn't nervous in the least, but seriously
clueless on how to not look it and follow these
"uhh...welll....uhm, sir?" lines. It's comical to me
now because I know the casting director just hated me.
LOL. I even talked with the "Father" actor afterwards
and he thought it was written a little stupid. It was
a paradox to have the role call for a quirky man that
was the opposite of the father, and then give him a
bunch of lines to make him look like a nervous idiot.
The trick of course is, you have to be a confident
nervous guy. You exude confidence FIRST, and then add
the traits. Confidence is key no matter what the role.
As it is, I just fuggin' hate this type. I say, it's
cause I do it too well. You can't doubt that I can act
after seeing The Trinitrons, can you? Or are black
guys, gay guys, surfer guys, smart asses, and egotists
just easy roles? LOL. I dunno. But when I had to
do the "Funkhousers" part earlier this year,
I felt the same uncomfortableness with a nervous
"teenager" role. Maybe it's cause I was NEVER
this person, and have NOTHING to relate to. LOL.
I was treated like an adult when I was 7.
I was never uncomfortable around adults,
I was never uncomfortable around girls - sure
I get nervous, but it doesn't show too often. So
when the role calls for that person, I play it very
amateurishly. And I'll admit it - it's straight up me.
I'm an amateur at that side of acting. I cannot play
that role well to save my ass. I guess with a lot of
practice, and hell even classes - I could find
something to latch onto in my life experiences to help
me out 'cause I suck at it.
And yes, that
means that there was a part of EVERY Trinitron
character that is in me somewhere. I was absolutely
tapping into part of my psyche to play Spencer
(shudder). Heh.
The next audition
was pretty fun. It was for Dr. Scholl's gel inserts. 4
guys hangin' around goin' "Yo man, you gellin'?" "You
best believin' I'm gellin'" "You gellin'" "You
knoooooooooow I'm gellin'" Stupid shit. Then this one
dude comes on and says "Hey guys, amd I gelling?"
And we all make fun of him. Well actually there were
lines, but dude kept talking over us cause he wanted
to show off his improv skills. So we all were kinda
forced to find different ways of saying that this guy
wasn't gellin'. I have to give myself mad props for
thinking up "G-E-L-L-NO!" to the tune of Jello's
"J-E-L-L-O!", of course it can't be used, but it made
everyone laugh. I guess I'll find out if I get called
back for it Monday, but I am already well aware
commercials mean shit. It's all about look. And I
can't sit and worry about it at all. I go to every
audition, I try my best, and I leave it
RIGHT there. It's why I'm not gonna write about
them all. I could conceivabley go on 100 of these
things with no response. They're looking at 200 guys
to sell their product and as you know from
commercials, unless you're the DELL DUDE, you're
just a face. Or you're a big name. Either way, I'm
happy to be going on the auditions. It's what I
should've been doing ALLLLLLLL last year when I
had DICK to do because I finished The
Trinitrons, and was beggin Charlotte for ANYTHING. Oh
well, guess what - it's almost 2003, I need to shut
the hell up about 2001.
One
last time though. Here's another
depression inspired
song
about how I'm a big fuckin failure - and
nothing without Jess. LOL. The December
9th deadline for Jess to apply for classes
will most likely come and go. She's not
going to be able to start in January, and
it'll most likely end up being the first
week of March. I am finding I'm over and
under quallified for everything
I could do. I just don't have any
contacts that can give me a shot at video
shit without some serious experience.
Paddy got lucky,
at one time we were in the same boat - and he got a
tiny shot at this production house through a
friend...and then from that job alone - it's kept his
foot in the door. He's now doin' some pretty cool shit
for shows like CSI and ER. WORD FOR HIM. I
unfortunately don't have that resume, even though my
tape is pretty cool. I will continue to hit the
places, but unfortunately I'm gonna HAVE to start very
low on the ladder, and it won't be enough to allow
Jess to quit. That's the killer. But you know what,
that's probably what's gonna happen. Jess will have to
wait a bit before I can amass the INCOME POWER of
what hse has right now, and she understands that. I've
been trying to get it all in one shot, but it's just
not realistic. God I wish I could just do menial work.
I actually enjoy it. I worked at Boston Market
this week with her. Long ass 12 hour days during
Thanksgiving week. I loved it though. There's
something about restaurant work that must just be in
my blood. I like preparing food to the highest
quality, I like being FAST AS HELL on the
line, and I take mucho-pride in my work.
Unfortunately, I can't work for Jess other than
emergencies because of "the rules" at Boston Market,
but I must say - she's wonderful to work for. She
knows her shit. She knows what she's doing. You want
to work for her. I wish she didn't hate it so goddamn
much, because she's REALLY, REALLY good at it. But I
know how she feels. It's just the curse of the
multi-talented. LOL. Everyone who notices one of my
talents thinks THAT is what I should do for the
rest of my life, when I know my heart isn't into
it. So me sitting there telling Jess she should
continue doing this because she's good at it...HA! How
ironic. Then again, if more celebs hit on her she may
rethink things.
So Seth Greene
comes in on Thanksgiving to get some sweet potatoes.
Before you make fun of someone for not cooking on
Thanksgiving - dude just got some side dishes. Unlike
the HUNDREDS of other people who had their entire
thanksgiving meal done by us. That just blows my mind.
Anyway, it was taking a little time (he ended up being
very cool and taking some preprepared chilled ones),
and he was talking to Jess. I was hanging around
kind've enjoying my anonymity. Jess's ring was
actually hidden from view from him, and I didn't
have mine on (always scares me when working that it'll
fall off). So he asks her....oh wait - you all know
who he is right? Dr. Evil's kid in Austin Powers? And
a myriad of other funny as hell roles, but I would
assume that was his biggest. But anyway - he asks her
"So what're you doing after this?" Jess just kinda
stood there not knowing what to say. LOL. He then
says: "Well, I guess something with family...right?"
"Yeah..." she coyly said. LOL. It was all very funny.
I told her she should've at least gotten his phone
number. That could be valuable. LOL. Oh well, it was
all very funny. He was extremely nice though.
I don't know if I would've paid the same price
for a chilled side that I would have to go home and
cook. Only in LA man...
And finally, have
you actually read all this?...Xbox Live. The next
evolution in console gaming (gaming that is hooked up
to your TV, not PC) is Xbox Live. It's an online
gaming network with voice communication as good as a
phone. It's absolutely UNREAL. Not only can you talk
unlimited for free, it's a broadbad only network. So
you don't have 56k lines slowing down things.
Everything runs smooth as hell, and it's hard to
believe that you're actually playing online with
someone 2500 miles away. Anyway, Marty Moose actually
bought an Xbox, and Roadrunner Cable - JUST for his
Xbox. He doesn't even own a computer. So needless to
say we were both pretty excited about being able to
play games together from so far apart.
It's been
incredible. Far exceeding my expectations. Well last
night we had a game to end all games. It was NFL2K3.
I was Chicago of course, and he was the Steelers.
We've both been lifetime fans of both teams and
FINALLY, they're both EQUAL and very GOOD one year in
a videogame. That has never happened. I've been
beating his ass pretty good, but he did get me once
20-14. We play ranked games, which means our records
get uploaded to the network and everyone can see how
much you suck, or kick ass. So we take this shit
serious as hell. Add to all of this, Kerry's parents
were in town and were over watching. They were both in
awe of how good the game looked and the technology of
talking over this headset to some dude in Ohio. We
played a little with her dad and me taking on Marty
(quite funny considering he ran the wrong way each
time) and finally her dad just said he wanted to watch
us play a "Real" game. I warned them that, I
usually dont do this in front of people as I kinda
lose my shit when playing. They said that's exactly
what they wanted to see. HAHAHA. Good sports. Her dad
also hated the Bears so was going to be rooting for
Marty. So the scene was set. An audience and
everything.
Marty and
I were obviously nervous as our defense was
pathetic. Our games are usually defensive struggles,
but in the first quarter alone we scored 17 points.
I startred with a Field Goal, Marty returns with
a TD, and with 10 seconds to go I hit my own TD
and I'm up 10-7 going into the 2nd.
To start the 2nd,
I hit another TD to go up 17-7, and I'm thinking
I've got this in the bag. It's rare to go up this much
even in the 2nd Quarter, but Marty went on one helluva
run for the next quarter and a half hitting 3 straight
TDs (2 running TDs with Bettis - one run up the middle
for 53 yards - insane) and is now up
28-17.
We're now deep in
the 4th Quarter and I'm compeltely embarrassed as I
got all this audience and Marty's whoopin on me. I
mean a 53 yard run up the middle? DAAAAAAMN. What
follows however rivals the Ohio State Michigan
game.
I drive the field
and on 4th and 3 with 2:35 to go in th game I elect to
kick a 43 yard field goal. It hits the FUGGING
CROSSBAR, goes straight up, and then falls OVER the
bar and I get the 3. Unbelieveable. So I'm now
down 20-28. With all my timeouts, and a good defense,
I Just may get it back. Marty however, sets up for an
onside kick! Before he can realize his mistake, I kick
it over his head. It was a weak kick, but because he
wasn't ready - it goes right behind him and bounces to
the 10 yard line. We're both screaming our heads off.
Amazingly - I stop that BITCH Jerome Bettis and he had
to punt. I couldn't believe my luck. I now get the
ball back with 1:55 to go and a TD and 2 point
conversion will tie it. It's a stretch, as I've never
completed one against him - but I have life. A
few out patterns and I've gotten all the way down to
the 5 and actually score with 1:27 to go. Way too
fast. I couldn't help it, but there was too much time
on the clock. So it's 26-28 and I'm going for 2. It
was about as intense a gaming moment I've ever had in
my entire life. Somehow, over the middle - I hit
it. It's now 28-28, marty gets the ball 1:20 on the
clock.
Not only does he
get it, but he's movin'. He's running the clock smart,
hitting his passes and moving into field goal range.
He's at my 40 yard-line with all his timeouts and 30
seconds on the clock. In the greatest moment ever, I
INTERCEPT THE FUGGING BALL, and run it
back to my 30 yard line. Can you imagine it? We were
both losing it - Kerry's parents were screamin'. It
was NUTS. I was shaking and sweating so bad. It was
absolutely incredible. But it's still not over. A 47
yard Field Goal is pretty risky - so I have to
get it closer. On 3rd down I friggin complete a
pass and get out of bounds with 11 seconds left in the
game and I'm set up for 35 yard field goal to win it.
BOOM. I hit it I'm up 31-28 with :11 seconds.
It ain't
over.
I kick it off to
him and he lets it go out of bounds so he starts at
the 20. He throws a hailmary and amazingly - his guys
is WIDE open. He's not only catching this, but
he's got plenty of room to run to end this....dude
drops it. It was so close. I almost threw up.
Seriously, both Marty and I were sick to our stomachs
we were so nervous. It was...AWESOME. So with 1 second
on the clock (HELLO OSU-MICHIGAN), he throws it
up and it's incomplete...
...but there's a
PASSSS INTERFERENCE CALL. !!!!! A game
can't end on a defensive penalty even if there's no
time on the clock. So he gets the ball at midfield
with time for one more play with :00 on the clock.
(sigh) Oh cruel, cruel fate. Deciding he can't make a
67 yard field goal - he goes for the TD and finally my
defense comes through and it's incomplete.
I was spent. It
may have been the most entertaining thing Kerry's
parents saw in LA. It was so intense.
Anyway - My
gamertag is Adam4tvs for any of you who have Xbox
Live. You can put me on your list and challenge me to
a game of NBA2K3 or NFL2K3. Marty is MartyMoose. I
highly recommend trying to get the setup if you're
into gaming at all. The Xbox already had the modem,
you just buy the headset pack and broadband
connection. If you already have boradband you're
halfway there. The GameCube is still my favorite
console, the games are simply better for it, but this
online network is an absolute revolution. Hopefully
Nintendo follows suit. What a time to be a
gamer.
So there you have
it. This may compete for the longest entry ever.
Things are good though. I shoot "Fat Adam" tomorrow.
Got a bunch of ideas for the short and will just do a
shitload of scenes and then when I've lost the weight
I'll finish 'em up. We'll see what we get. I hope to
shoot "Skinny Adam" in the 3rd week of January. It's
all quite funny isn't it? Why am I doing this? Why the
hell not. I don't want to waste the opportunity for
comedy - and my fat ass is funny right now. And it's
only funny if a skinny me is making fun of it.
LOL.
So strange. I have
to make it in this town. I'm just too
weird.
Adam
PS - had to throw
this anecdote in. Kerry's parents are from Alabama.
Nicest people on the earth. So Jess and I were
talkin' with them - and the dad "Skipper" was talking
about a guy he knew with a kickass sound system...in a
mobile home. That actually isn't the joke. He even
thought it was funny that the guy lives in a mobile
home and had all this equipment. So I asked him, "Wow,
does he lock it?"
