- 3:02 AM,
Wednesday, October 9th, 2002:
-
- It's well
documented that I think too much. A big reason for
this constant over-analyzation of course is this very
website. I'm not sure many people can imagine just how
much pressure "The Journey" is. Yes, it's a great
discipline to have to keep the story going with video
and entries, but it's also one helluva smack in the
face when you're failing. What I'm about to talk about
in this entry could very well be the beginning of the
end of "The Journey". It's a very real possibilty that
my life is now turning to domestic Adam, and away from
any shot at making my dream come true.
-
- Let me also say as
well, that this is extremely personal. Unfortunately,
people feel that since I share it with the world that
it somehow equates with what they would share with the
world. Please know that if it wasn't for the enormous
dedication I've had to this project, I probably
wouldn't even mention these feelings to my wife let
alone broadcast them to everyone. But again, I said I
would give everything to "The Journey" and this is
exactly what that means.
-
- Jessica will be
quitting her job and attending the winter session at
one of 2 community colleges to become an elementry
school teacher. I will be working full-time to put her
through for most likely the next 3-4 years. She simply
cannot continue to be miserable day in and day out (as
being a restaurant GM has made her), and I just
love her too fucking much to allow it to happen any
longer. I'm not so sure teaching in this city will be
what she imagines it to be, but she's willing to do it
here as opposed to back in Columbus, and that means
everything. More than just a plan for her, it's the
beginning of a plan for us to buy a house and have
children relatively soon.
-
- Now if you're over
40, and were a dreamer in your 20's - you most likely
let out a sigh somewhere while reading that last
paragraph. I'm making the same choices you did and
somewhat allowing the dream to slip from my fingers
ever so gently. I feel oftentimes I've lived my entire
life from the eyes of someone 25 years older than
me: watching. It's why I feel so incredibly
alone right now. For the first time in my entire life,
I absolutely know in my heart that what I have dreamt
of since I can remember will most likely not happen.
Enter the rest of you:
-
- "The hell are you
talking about?!?! So you get a fucking job - it's
about time! You're still in LA, you'll still pursue
things - stop your mopin'!"
-
- Believe me, I know
all those things. I have a job interview tomorrow
doing some video work at a production house, and am
pretty excited. Finally contributing all the money
again will be so nice for my psyche - and of course
it'll get me off my ass and movin'! This can only be
good right?
-
- The problem with
that scenerio is that this all cements one thing so
much: I've completely failed for 3 years out here. And
only BLIND optimism makes this scenerio a good thing.
The truth of the matter is, I haven't done SHIT with
my time out here. I've allowed some miserable cunt to
fuck with my head so hard that I've pretty much curled
up into a ball and hidden in front of a computer
monitor for 10 months. I've wasted the opportunity
afforded by my absolutely INCREDIBLE wife to have
3 years to pull ANYTHING off...and I've failed. The
focus now shifts to her, and I know myself very, very
well. I will jump into that role so hard, so good -
that I will become the domestic Adam. If Jess and I
don't have a house within a year I'll be SHOCKED. If
Jess isn't pregnant within that next year I'll be
SHOCKED. This moment, is the moment the roads merge.
My Superstar road merges down into the domestic road
and my focus turns to "our life" not my career. Of
course I will continue with dabbling in career things,
but I have always been the type of person to find a
purpose and get obsessive with that purpose. My
purpose is shifting, although gradually, and it's
almost impossible to stop. I can feel the "Father
Adam" movin' in, and the "I'm Crazy superstar Adam"
movin' out.
-
- The silver lining
to ALLLLLLLLLLLLLL of this, is this one, absolutely
beautiful piece of information: Simply BEING in
this city is more important than nearly any other
factor you can think of if you want to "make it". So
with all my analyzation, the bottom line is - if we're
in LA, the hope is still alive. Anything can happen,
and I can still pursue it.
-
- Let me also add
that this analyzation is also the result of having
ZERO to believe in for the past year. It really drains
you. Charlotte's Web must have hit some motherload of
baggage in the back of my psyche because the effects
are just numbing. To say I'm not half the man I used
to be is almost comical. I don't even recognize myself
anymore. I have none of the fire I did. I've lost all
faith...and nothing seems to truly bring it
back.
-
- Take all the
recent events with Michele and with the movie. Yeah,
it was fun for a few hours, but the bottom line is - I
can't do extra-work anymore as I'll most likely have a
full-time job starting this MONDAY and extra work is
always last-minute. Michele's manager, in the most
dreadful case of de ja vu, threw out her back and has
been incapacitated for weeks so the meeting has never
occured and is on indefinite hold. Remind you of a
similar situation in May of 2001? So any pumping up I
got from Michele just feels like another exhilerating
breath followed by an exhausting exhale. Michele is
still positive, but she's ALWAYS positive. God
love her for that, but I can't just "be positive". I
NEED some direction, anything ANYTHING to give me
something to hold onto...
-
- ...and that's why
what's occuring this week, getting a job, focussing on
Jessica's dreams, is a HUGE red flag for "The
Journey". If my past history is any indication - I
will embrace the role to the point of obsession, and
my dreams will take a major backseat. It's simply how
I function. Give me direction and I'm a friggin'
horse. I've been that goal oriented my entire life.
But you take direction away from me and I'm an
absolute wreck.
-
- Oh yeah, and it's
my 27th Birthday. LOL. Lennon would be 62 today. Can
you believe that shit? Sixty-fuckin two. I brought my
birthday up last simply because it's a coincidence.
I'm really not bummin' about my birthday at all. The
whole "shift" has easily overshadowed it.
-
- Can I also say
something to Jessica here? Babe, don't for a minute
feel any guilt about this. I love you so much that I
have NO PROBLEM stopping my life to make certain
you are happy and see your dreams come true too. You
are my equal. Your happiness brings me absolute joy.
The reason I'm painting this in any bit of negative
light is only because I'm throwing on a different set
of glasses when writing this journey. I'm trying to
delve into the core of my fears and hopes and feelings
that most people hide. I'm scared, confused,
frustrated, angry, elated...psychotic I guess. But the
overriding emotion is: "Now is the time to do this for
you." You've given me so much for so long, that the
least I can do is give back. So please don't ever,
ever think that I resent you or have any ill-will
towards this. Remember that when we began talking
about this I didn't hesitate to say: "Let's do it
babe. Quit. Go back to school - I'll support you and
put you through" I love you so much it's almost
unnecessary to say. You are my equal. That is why I
wrote these 2 simple lines over 3 years
ago:
-
-
-
- You've proven that
to me, and now it's my turn. If it means I'll be
behind the camera editing while we raise a family, I'm
willing to do that. As I've said before - if you're
willing to stay in this city, I'm willing to shift my
focus - because simply by being here the dream
persists.
-
- Okay, now stop
reading Jess.
-
- Holy shit it's all
over. LOL. Holy fuck I'm done. That's it, had 27 years
- didn't do it, I might as well be moving back to
Columbus.
-
- HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
-
- That's my brain
people: contradiction after contradiction. You know,
if people ALLOWED themselves to be cotradictory
more often - we'd be a lot happier. Ever notice that?
If you're absolutely honest with yourself, guess what
happens: You're completely contradictory. You feel one
way and the COMPLETE opposite. On one hand, I'm happy
to help my wife, on the other hand I wonder what I'd
be like if I left her and struggled on my own.
They're just thoughts of course - but goddamnit if we
as humans aren't so bound and determined to never let
that out. As if when we're caught in a contradiction
that actually makes us ingenuine! How completely false
that is!! Contradiction is the basis of all our
emotions! Trying to avoid that only makes us
miserable.
-
- How 'bout
I sum it all up. The bottom line is this: Without
any sort of direction or personal plan for my career,
it is absolutely irresponsible for me to ask Jessica
to continue on as she has. This woman has worked her
ever-lovin' ass off to give me the opportunity to pull
this off, and I've done ZERO. And even moreso this
year. I can blame it on Charlotte all I want, but if I
can't handle one bad manager then I'm in the wrong
business. I have no one but myself to blame, and
that's a failure I will have to deal with personally.
That's what has made this one of the loneliest weeks
of my life. I'm feeling the shift with a complete lack
of control and watching (from what feels like
YEARS away) my dreams trickle beyond me... The
outside of me is not giving up, but I can't put up a
front in my journal. I feel this shift. And it's
ripping my heart out. It's not a depression, it's not
anger, it really is just a lonely, lonely feeling of
heartache.
-
- My God, will I
ever be able to read some of these entries in the
future... It seems so morbid to even think of this
year of my life. Especially considering how well I
made everything sound just one entry ago. Like putting
frosting on a balloon.
-
- Pop.
-
- Adam
-
-
- original
video file
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