Seriously, skip
this one. No one wants to hear this personal
journalistic drivel. Maybe this again is why no one's
ever truly chronicled the road to success like this.
Because there could truly be daily entries of self
doubt, depression, what-ifs and so on.
So I
pop in a tape of Me and Burgundie winter
'93. Damn near 10 years ago. It's just us
screwin' around with the camera me playin'
piano (I swear I was a better
pianist
at
18)
and playing my new (first) cassette:
"Unreal". Feel free to look at my projects
section and laugh. Singing to the songs,
bein' all lovey and shit. And basically
keepin' the camera on during a day. My mom
comes in after going to a movie, just
normal stuff. Man, I was there. I
felt it. I felt 1993. I remembered what
Burgundie smelled like. I remember hearing
those songs for the first time and knowing
in my heart I would make it. I remember
the potential of my life then. And then
Burg turned off the camera, the screen
went Blue and it hit me: it's 10 years
later...and not a damn thing happened the
way I thought.
Welcome to life.
It never does. You all reading it know that, but I'm
in a suspended state of disbelief. So is every
individual who makes the trek out here. They're the
ones that hold onto their dreams just a bit longer
than everyone else. So it doesn't sink in as fast...or
of course it happens.
Cut to 2 days ago.
Watching a CNN report on depression. It lists like 10
signs of depression that if you have 5 or more, you
should see a doctor. Ya know how many I had?
Seriously, absolutely all of them. All 10. It was
basically a laundry list of how I've felt since
February. Yes, the suicidal tendency is gone, but the
fact that it was even there says something. Everything
else is here now. I'm still within this depression.
Yeah, I know I'm doing 4tvs things from now on - and I
believe it's the right path but suddenly...my belief
in something - means nothing. Ya know? There's a time
in your life when simply you believing makes it so.
Unfortunately now, I've been let down JUST enough
times, to realize that I'm a fool just as much as the
next guy. Just cause I believe something will happen
means DICK now. I believed in Charlotte with every
fiber of my being. As the months pass, and I remember
the words she spoke (and wrote to me), it becomes so
clear that she was clueless - and I needed to believe
in SOMETHING. Anything. So I believe 4tvs is still the
answer - so what! And knowing that I could be on the
wrong path and am still generally clueless - makes my
initial belief in 4tvs moot. Of course I'll still
follow it - but the passion that was there before
seems waning. How can you be passionate in the same
way you were before? Is it even possible without some
success? If you're passionate and fail 5 times in a
row, how are you passionate for time #6? That's the
kicker. Unless you have some success, it's very
difficult to keep setting yourself up. Something HAS
to break. Something HAS to happen postively for the
light to truly be turned on.
Of course
I need to be aggressive and make it happen - it's
all a nice catch 22. Add in that I'm still fighting
severe depression. No longer finding joy in activities
you once loved. That was one of em. Holy shit is this
not a glaring example of it. Nothing brings me
happiness anymore. Take the Trinitrons DVD I'm putting
together for the end of August. A creative portion of
my brain I DIE to use, and I can barely do it
anymore. It's like I don't care, because I know that 3
people will buy it. I took pride in making "Stronger
Than Before", and all those projects - hell 10 of
them? 12 of them? You pour your heart into these
things and you make really, really professional pieces
of work. Great, creative - and incredible pieces of
work, and no one gives a shit. After awhile, the
passion goes away. You can't ALWAYS just do things for
the sake of art. At some point someone else has to dig
it. And at some point - A BUNCH of people
have to dig it. At least for me anyway. If that makes
me a sell-out - fine. But I bet if every artist was
honest deep down they'd admit it too... Art for art's
sake is indeed alright - but without mass positive
feedback, after awhile - it's just all
masturbation.
Domestic life keep
rearin' it's head too. Not Jess's prodding whatsoever.
She's completley supportive. I just really want a
family. And I don't wanna be 60 when my kid graduates
(no offense dad - LOL) . I have shared memories of my
father when he was in his 30s. I remmeber his
30s. Most likely my kid will see me as an
OLD dude. At this rate I'll be past 30 before
I have a kid. That's depressing to me. I want a
kid now. But I want a house, a career and all that.
And I can't go back to radio. LOL. Ever.
The guilt I feel
draggin' Jess along weighs so heavily on me too. As it
has the whole 2 1/2 years we've been doing this out
here. If I was by myself it'd be easier in a sense
that I'm bringin ME down, just me. If I wanna
stay out here until I'm 40 to make this work - well so
be it. I cannot make that sacrifice with Jess though.
I love her too goddamn much.
THERAPY SESSION DONE.
(sigh) - I'm so
mental....anyway.
So here we go. I'm
performing in Columbus sometime between August 26th -
September 7th. Yup, The Trinitrons are coming to
Columbus. It will be the DVD release party. And
this DVD is gonna friggin' RULE. I'm really workin'
hard on it. It's gonna be the shit. Won't need to feel
like you're giving to the "Kontras Fund" here,
it's gonna be worth every penny. Pictures, hidden
stuff. Clips from every show - all rolled into
one...very nice. A great way to put a stamp on what is
and was The Trinitrons as I move onto something
else.
Now where to play?
I'm actually trying to rent the Little Theater at
Watterson High. It's perfect, and man - to play there
again after 10 years would mean the world to me. Have
a feeling they won't allow it - but I'm trying damn
hard. I basically just want a theater, not a bar.
I want people to come in, sit down - -see a show,
and then hang out a bit afterwards. Not worried about
spending money for it - I just wnat it to be an event.
Thought about playing one of the old 4tvs joints but
can't think of any. We'll see. As well, I'm gonna need
- uhm 4 27 inch TVs. If anyone reading has a 27 inch
TV, I'll rent it from you for a night. It has to be 27
inches...that's it. It's the one (errr 4) things I
can't bring on the plane. Hell, I don't even know how
I'm geting the machine on the plane that runs 4tvs. It
might as well be a bomb. Don't know how I'll explain
it.
Anyway - I'll let
you know more as soon as I get a place and date. Most
likely it'll be during the week around 7 PM. More info
as I get it, but it IS happenin.
And that's really
it for now. I pull myself out of this funk somehow,
and get shit done before I head back to COlumbus.
Then I make a push for The Journey to be finished by
mid to late October, and get that rollin'. THat's my
outline.
But to tell you
the truth, my honest heart's truth right now? Make it
through this year. I just want to be standing in LA in
2003. I feel so vulnerable, tired and beaten at this
moment. I just want to be here to fight another year.
