I've finally
figured it out. On father's day, a series of emails
with my dad inadvertently made my road out here so
clear I can barely stand it. Check this
out:
Dad,
Alright -
you're about the only person I can talk with about
this. Quite simply: What would you do... You're in
my shoes. What would you do today. Where would you
begin. You know, in all this time, I think I've
found out one thing: For me, following your heart
is bullshit. I'm just too damn good at
everything.
And see - I
don't have to worry about how you'll take that,
'cause I know you understand what I mean. When I
put my heart into anything I kickass. So much so
that everyone who meets me, and only knows me as
the current project I'm working on - they think
it's my life's passion. Billy from Planet GameCube
(founder) thinks I'm gonna be editing hollywood
movies someday. That's what my heart does - it
shows me that I can do absolutely
anything.
Which gets me
absolutely nowhere.
So you're the
only person (believe me) who's read every entry,
seen every video, and knows the whole story - so
what do you do. No quick answers. Try to give it
some thought. How do you fill your day. Realize
that amazingly, money isn't an option. It's an
option SPENDING it of course, but I don't need to
bring any in right now. I just have to "make
it".
What would you
do.
(sigh)
Adam
His reply:
Adam,
Pick just one!
Learn everything about it and everyone connected to
it. Network THAT talent only.
Your heart
makes you want to help people so when you take on
THEIR project, you end up putting everything you
have into it. You learn a lot in the process and
thus, become very good at it. Even if it's
something you've never done before. It's almost a
curse, in a way. It's because you care about what
you put your name on. Many times, the people around
you don't even realize how good you are at it. They
see the end product, but because they are not
driven like you, they have no idea what it took to
get there.
What will
happen, eventually, is that you will be discovered
as the kind of person who does just that - puts his
heart into everything and does nothing half-assed -
WITHIN the field you chose. If creating is what you
do, then get those creations to the right people.
(That's where the networking comes in.) They have
to get to know you WELL before they will ever
realize how multi-talented you are. You can't show
them all of your skills at once. It's too much for
anyone to absorb. They will not be able to focus on
the "Entire Adam". Give them ONLY the talent you
want them to focus on.
Choosing which
talent you wish to exploit is the tough part. I
can't help you there. I can't help but think that
performing is the one. I would think that it would
get you the recognition sooner than anything else.
Take advantage of the photos you have. You're
changing you website accordingly so use that as a
tool as well. Ultimately, it will put you in front
of less talented people than you, but some of them
will be people who are in a position to get you
where you want to go. Once you're there, the
"Entire Adam" will start to be understood and
recognized. A good manager/agent is probably
critical here.
But you have to
pick just one talent.
Love,
Dad
Me being a
smartass:
EHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
Please try again.
That's too easy
dad. What would YOU do? Not what do you think I
should do. We get switched - you're Adam Kontras in
LA with all the history, you write the future -
what would you pick? Where would you
go?
I'm not saying
I'm gonna DO IT, I just want to know what you would
do...
Adam
And finally the
catapult to eureka:
Adam,
I would do the
one that I love the most. Whichever one that is.
Honestly! For me, it would be performing. That's
what I would do. And whatever I could do to get as
much mileage out of that is what I would do. It's
what I did do and still do. It's what is the most
gratifying for me. That's what you need to do. Pick
that one thing that is the MOST GRATIFYING and go
with it as far as you can go. Don't put anything
else before it, for any reason.
You have
"performed" on more than one level (radio and
stage) so you would also need to narrow that down
to the one that you love the most. It has to be the
one that will hold your interest the longest and
through the most difficult times. It really is that
simple. Don't keep complicating the situation by
looking at ALL THE DIFFERENT ANGLES of each
separate talent. You'll drive yourself
crazy.
Pick the one
that you love the most. The one that identifies you
the most. The one you can live with if there was
nothing else.
Again, for me
it's been performing for the past 37 years.
Everything else I did paled by comparison until I
started writing and recording my own music. That
seems to be the only thing I do that is more
gratifying to me than performing. And at this stage
in my life, I'm glad I can make the inevitable
switch from performing to recording and still be at
peace with myself.
I still see you
as a performer first, as a performer who writes his
own material second, as a performer who writes his
own material and can not only create different
characters, but play all of them as well third, and
finally as a performer who can write his own
material, creating different characters, play all
of these parts and also have the technical ability
to bring them all to life at the same time fourth.
I really don't
know how else to answer the question.
Love,
Dad
Here's the
incredible thing: before I started writing this
response, I had no idea what I was going to do with my
life. At one point it hit me, and It's really
extraordinary to see it all laid out so
obviously:
Dad,
Just got your
message, too late to call though... I'll get you
tomorrow.
I think what hits
me the most here is when trying to think about this,
something happens that doesn't happen to you. You say
everything PALES in comparison to what you love doing.
Well guess what. LOL. Nothing I love pales in
comparison. I'm tellin you dad - they're all parts of
a big picture - and it's that BIG PICTURE that I love.
Performing 4tvs wouldn't fulfill me if I just sang in
it. Or if I just wrote it, or if I just invented it.
It's the culmination of so much that makes it
possible. When those people cheer at the end - they're
cheering for so much. They know it's deeeeeeeeep. It's
the CREATION they're cheering for on a
whole.
And you know
what... Christ I think that's it. I have such a
tremendous vehicle in which I can produce some of the
most inventive, creative and unbelieveably satisfying
material ever produced. In a way no one has ever
produced it before...and all I ever freakin' do is try
and cut it up and go one way. Why? Because I keep
telling myself that no one has ever made it doing
something like this - so I have to use it as a
stepping stone - and "get-in" a conventional way,
acting, writing, directing - so on...
Man screw that -
I'm gonna use 4tvs as my movie theatre, my stage, my
everything. I'm gonna write and film short stories -
and use 4tvs to show them. I'm gonna contiue to do
music - and use the TVS as video monitors for a deeper
audience involvement. I'm gonna do exactly what I
FUGGIN wanted to do in January of 2000 after I had
just finished "A Day in the Life" - whcih was expolit
the potential of 4tvs. I'm gonna get to the point
where when I turn on those TVs there's 4 or 5
different shows that could be seen: 4TVS presents:
Adam & The Trinitrons 4TVS presents: The Journey
4TVS presents: hell a movie. An actual live movie with
with a person interracting within the story - shit no
one has EVER done. Ideas that no one has ever even had
the CHANCE to do - because they didn't have
4tvs!
THAT'S THE POINT!
I sit here and waste my goddamn time - wondering how
it's gonna work in the end, and falling so deep into
depression - just DO IT. Create it. Adam, you're a
pioneer here. It'd be like inventing the record
player, and worrying about how it's gonna sell - JUST
MAKE THE FUCKIN MUSIC.
Wow, this has
turned into a journal entry hasn't it. I completely
forgot I was writing you a letter. Wow - I'm pretty
pumped here. I'm gonna make amazingly intricate 30
minute 4tvs sets. Things that will blow people away.
I'm gonna make as many as I can. As different as I can
- as unique as possible. And that's ALL the goal is
gonna be. It's not gonna be a development deal, a
record contract, a role on a sitcom... the goal is
going to be to do something better and different than
anyone imagined. THAT's what I'll be happy about in 20
years. Looking back on a body of work that was
revolutionary.
That's what I
love, that's what fuels me.
Whew. Thank you.
Happy Father's Day...
Adam
And that's the
answer I've been looking for pretty much my whole
life. Just like a filmmaker who makes films,
songwriter who makes songs, I'm in a sense a pioneer
who makes 4tvs experiences. That will be my body of
work. That will be my piece of rock to sculpt. Because
that is where my heart soars. Projects that consume my
entire being. And this whole time, I've been trying to
erase 4tvs and go down a path already traveled. WHY?
What's the point? I'm in such a unique postion, to
create things never seen before. And I'm gonna give it
up to join an improv group? To become a stand-up
comedian? To become an actor? ?!!?!
The reason I push
myself, and others push me towards, these avenues is
because it's the ONLY way people have made it in
this industry. So 4tvs would HAVE to be a stepping
stone for those things, right? Imagine of other
inventors thought like this. We'd all be
screwed.
4tvs is what I do.
The potential of it is limitless - from short stories,
to skits to everything...4tvs is my vehicle to
creative and revolutionary work. It is my canvas, and
to change it would be destroying potential. I need to
create as many shows as I possibly can for 4tvs. The
Trinitrons was one of many. It'd be like being a
filmaker, making one movie - and when it doesn't work
out...becoming an actor. How fucked up is that?
Charlotte you constantly pushed your own career goals
by trying to manipulate mine. YOU wanted to be in TV,
YOU wanted to be a producer, YOU wanted to be a
sitcom writer and you never listened to a damn thing
I had to say about it. All of which is acceptable
behavior - UNLESS
YOU CLAIM TO BE A MANAGER.
LOL.
Your
web of shit has just recently become more
clear as I reread some of the locked
entries. Slowly planting seeds to
manipulate me after Aspen...slowly ceasing
to book shows, and then saying it's
because I can't bring anyone to see them.
Example after example of things you've
said.... Christ, your ability to make
everything my fault and to manipulate
every situation is actually some of the
most compelling stories within this
Journey. Indefensible really. That's why I
named the song "Indefensible".
Heh.
Man I sure enjoy
changing "point of view" within an entry don't I...my
english teachers would be horrified. Well screw them
too - it's more fun to read when you rant.
I'm filled with
jubilation and utter anger at the same time. I've
wasted a year of my life. The second The Trinitrons
was over, I should've been making the next one.
Filming the next one, so on and so forth. Of course -
still performing the Trinitrons, but doing more 4tvs
shows. God I have so many ideas!!! So many ways to
take an audience to different levels in 30 minutes. To
introduce them to a form of entertainment absolutely
unseen before. I haven't even scratched the surface of
what 4tvs can do. And that's exactly what I'm gonna
do. Delve into the concept and find ways to change the
entertainment world. Make a body of work that I will
be proud to show for myself in the years to come. My
way. If it leads to more conventional mediums - so be
it. My focus though will not be getting those
conventional mediums to come to my side. My focuse
will be creating truly unique experiences. Creative,
funny, sad, moving - everything.
And THAT's what
the front page of 4tvs will be. Those TVs will
represent the many facets of 4tvs. The many shows that
represent 4tvs. From the early music sets, to Movie
Minded, to The Trinitrons, to The Journey, to
whatever... That's it! It all fits. This is my way.
This is what I will hone and turn into my key to this
city. And the fact that no one has ever done it like
this before, is exactly why it will work.
