ENTRY #205
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...and the way out.
 
12:15 AM, Monday, June 17th, 2002:
 
I've finally figured it out. On father's day, a series of emails with my dad inadvertently made my road out here so clear I can barely stand it. Check this out:
 
Dad,
 
 
Alright - you're about the only person I can talk with about this. Quite simply: What would you do... You're in my shoes. What would you do today. Where would you begin. You know, in all this time, I think I've found out one thing: For me, following your heart is bullshit. I'm just too damn good at everything.
 
 
And see - I don't have to worry about how you'll take that, 'cause I know you understand what I mean. When I put my heart into anything I kickass. So much so that everyone who meets me, and only knows me as the current project I'm working on - they think it's my life's passion. Billy from Planet GameCube (founder) thinks I'm gonna be editing hollywood movies someday. That's what my heart does - it shows me that I can do absolutely anything.
 
 
Which gets me absolutely nowhere.
 
 
So you're the only person (believe me) who's read every entry, seen every video, and knows the whole story - so what do you do. No quick answers. Try to give it some thought. How do you fill your day. Realize that amazingly, money isn't an option. It's an option SPENDING it of course, but I don't need to bring any in right now. I just have to "make it".
 
 
What would you do.
 
 
(sigh)
 
 
Adam
 
 
His reply:
 
 
Adam,
 
 
Pick just one! Learn everything about it and everyone connected to it. Network THAT talent only.
 
 
Your heart makes you want to help people so when you take on THEIR project, you end up putting everything you have into it. You learn a lot in the process and thus, become very good at it. Even if it's something you've never done before. It's almost a curse, in a way. It's because you care about what you put your name on. Many times, the people around you don't even realize how good you are at it. They see the end product, but because they are not driven like you, they have no idea what it took to get there.
 
 
What will happen, eventually, is that you will be discovered as the kind of person who does just that - puts his heart into everything and does nothing half-assed - WITHIN the field you chose. If creating is what you do, then get those creations to the right people. (That's where the networking comes in.) They have to get to know you WELL before they will ever realize how multi-talented you are. You can't show them all of your skills at once. It's too much for anyone to absorb. They will not be able to focus on the "Entire Adam". Give them ONLY the talent you want them to focus on.
 
 
Choosing which talent you wish to exploit is the tough part. I can't help you there. I can't help but think that performing is the one. I would think that it would get you the recognition sooner than anything else. Take advantage of the photos you have. You're changing you website accordingly so use that as a tool as well. Ultimately, it will put you in front of less talented people than you, but some of them will be people who are in a position to get you where you want to go. Once you're there, the "Entire Adam" will start to be understood and recognized. A good manager/agent is probably critical here.
 
 
But you have to pick just one talent.
 
 
Love,
 
 
Dad
 
 
Me being a smartass:
 
 
EHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Please try again.
 
 
That's too easy dad. What would YOU do? Not what do you think I should do. We get switched - you're Adam Kontras in LA with all the history, you write the future - what would you pick? Where would you go?
 
 
I'm not saying I'm gonna DO IT, I just want to know what you would do...
 
 
Adam
 
 
And finally the catapult to eureka:
 
 
Adam,
 
 
I would do the one that I love the most. Whichever one that is. Honestly! For me, it would be performing. That's what I would do. And whatever I could do to get as much mileage out of that is what I would do. It's what I did do and still do. It's what is the most gratifying for me. That's what you need to do. Pick that one thing that is the MOST GRATIFYING and go with it as far as you can go. Don't put anything else before it, for any reason.
 
 
You have "performed" on more than one level (radio and stage) so you would also need to narrow that down to the one that you love the most. It has to be the one that will hold your interest the longest and through the most difficult times. It really is that simple. Don't keep complicating the situation by looking at ALL THE DIFFERENT ANGLES of each separate talent. You'll drive yourself crazy.
 
 
Pick the one that you love the most. The one that identifies you the most. The one you can live with if there was nothing else.
 
 
Again, for me it's been performing for the past 37 years. Everything else I did paled by comparison until I started writing and recording my own music. That seems to be the only thing I do that is more gratifying to me than performing. And at this stage in my life, I'm glad I can make the inevitable switch from performing to recording and still be at peace with myself.
 
 
I still see you as a performer first, as a performer who writes his own material second, as a performer who writes his own material and can not only create different characters, but play all of them as well third, and finally as a performer who can write his own material, creating different characters, play all of these parts and also have the technical ability to bring them all to life at the same time fourth.
 
 
I really don't know how else to answer the question.
 
 
Love,
 
 
Dad
 
 
Here's the incredible thing: before I started writing this response, I had no idea what I was going to do with my life. At one point it hit me, and It's really extraordinary to see it all laid out so obviously:
 
Dad,
 
 
Just got your message, too late to call though... I'll get you tomorrow.
 
 
I think what hits me the most here is when trying to think about this, something happens that doesn't happen to you. You say everything PALES in comparison to what you love doing. Well guess what. LOL. Nothing I love pales in comparison. I'm tellin you dad - they're all parts of a big picture - and it's that BIG PICTURE that I love. Performing 4tvs wouldn't fulfill me if I just sang in it. Or if I just wrote it, or if I just invented it. It's the culmination of so much that makes it possible. When those people cheer at the end - they're cheering for so much. They know it's deeeeeeeeep. It's the CREATION they're cheering for on a whole.
 
 
And you know what... Christ I think that's it. I have such a tremendous vehicle in which I can produce some of the most inventive, creative and unbelieveably satisfying material ever produced. In a way no one has ever produced it before...and all I ever freakin' do is try and cut it up and go one way. Why? Because I keep telling myself that no one has ever made it doing something like this - so I have to use it as a stepping stone - and "get-in" a conventional way, acting, writing, directing - so on...
 
 
Man screw that - I'm gonna use 4tvs as my movie theatre, my stage, my everything. I'm gonna write and film short stories - and use 4tvs to show them. I'm gonna contiue to do music - and use the TVS as video monitors for a deeper audience involvement. I'm gonna do exactly what I FUGGIN wanted to do in January of 2000 after I had just finished "A Day in the Life" - whcih was expolit the potential of 4tvs. I'm gonna get to the point where when I turn on those TVs there's 4 or 5 different shows that could be seen: 4TVS presents: Adam & The Trinitrons 4TVS presents: The Journey 4TVS presents: hell a movie. An actual live movie with with a person interracting within the story - shit no one has EVER done. Ideas that no one has ever even had the CHANCE to do - because they didn't have 4tvs!
 
 
THAT'S THE POINT! I sit here and waste my goddamn time - wondering how it's gonna work in the end, and falling so deep into depression - just DO IT. Create it. Adam, you're a pioneer here. It'd be like inventing the record player, and worrying about how it's gonna sell - JUST MAKE THE FUCKIN MUSIC.
 
 
Wow, this has turned into a journal entry hasn't it. I completely forgot I was writing you a letter. Wow - I'm pretty pumped here. I'm gonna make amazingly intricate 30 minute 4tvs sets. Things that will blow people away. I'm gonna make as many as I can. As different as I can - as unique as possible. And that's ALL the goal is gonna be. It's not gonna be a development deal, a record contract, a role on a sitcom... the goal is going to be to do something better and different than anyone imagined. THAT's what I'll be happy about in 20 years. Looking back on a body of work that was revolutionary.
 
 
That's what I love, that's what fuels me.
 
 
Whew. Thank you. Happy Father's Day...
 
 
Adam
 
And that's the answer I've been looking for pretty much my whole life. Just like a filmmaker who makes films, songwriter who makes songs, I'm in a sense a pioneer who makes 4tvs experiences. That will be my body of work. That will be my piece of rock to sculpt. Because that is where my heart soars. Projects that consume my entire being. And this whole time, I've been trying to erase 4tvs and go down a path already traveled. WHY? What's the point? I'm in such a unique postion, to create things never seen before. And I'm gonna give it up to join an improv group? To become a stand-up comedian? To become an actor? ?!!?!
 
The reason I push myself, and others push me towards, these avenues is because it's the ONLY way people have made it in this industry. So 4tvs would HAVE to be a stepping stone for those things, right? Imagine of other inventors thought like this. We'd all be screwed.
 
4tvs is what I do. The potential of it is limitless - from short stories, to skits to everything...4tvs is my vehicle to creative and revolutionary work. It is my canvas, and to change it would be destroying potential. I need to create as many shows as I possibly can for 4tvs. The Trinitrons was one of many. It'd be like being a filmaker, making one movie - and when it doesn't work out...becoming an actor. How fucked up is that? Charlotte you constantly pushed your own career goals by trying to manipulate mine. YOU wanted to be in TV, YOU wanted to be a producer, YOU wanted to be a sitcom writer and you never listened to a damn thing I had to say about it. All of which is acceptable behavior - UNLESS YOU CLAIM TO BE A MANAGER. LOL.
 
Your web of shit has just recently become more clear as I reread some of the locked entries. Slowly planting seeds to manipulate me after Aspen...slowly ceasing to book shows, and then saying it's because I can't bring anyone to see them. Example after example of things you've said.... Christ, your ability to make everything my fault and to manipulate every situation is actually some of the most compelling stories within this Journey. Indefensible really. That's why I named the song "Indefensible". Heh.
 
Man I sure enjoy changing "point of view" within an entry don't I...my english teachers would be horrified. Well screw them too - it's more fun to read when you rant.
 
I'm filled with jubilation and utter anger at the same time. I've wasted a year of my life. The second The Trinitrons was over, I should've been making the next one. Filming the next one, so on and so forth. Of course - still performing the Trinitrons, but doing more 4tvs shows. God I have so many ideas!!! So many ways to take an audience to different levels in 30 minutes. To introduce them to a form of entertainment absolutely unseen before. I haven't even scratched the surface of what 4tvs can do. And that's exactly what I'm gonna do. Delve into the concept and find ways to change the entertainment world. Make a body of work that I will be proud to show for myself in the years to come. My way. If it leads to more conventional mediums - so be it. My focus though will not be getting those conventional mediums to come to my side. My focuse will be creating truly unique experiences. Creative, funny, sad, moving - everything.
 
And THAT's what the front page of 4tvs will be. Those TVs will represent the many facets of 4tvs. The many shows that represent 4tvs. From the early music sets, to Movie Minded, to The Trinitrons, to The Journey, to whatever... That's it! It all fits. This is my way. This is what I will hone and turn into my key to this city. And the fact that no one has ever done it like this before, is exactly why it will work.
 
Giddy-goddamn-up.
 
Adam
 
original video file
 
JUNE 2002
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