Slowly
comin' back now. The DVD is finally done,
only a final burn and a drive to Anaheim's
manufacturing palnt and I never have to
think about it again. Check out
the
trailer
for it - it rules. This of course now puts
my "career" back into the forefront of
consciousness. I have no choice now but to
figure out what the hell I'm doing. As it
was before the diversions of the
gaming/editing world, it is now: "Adam
& The Journey". It's taken a bit of a
twist though recently.
If you've notcied
this year, there's been an inordinate amount of "song"
as entry videos. It's a true sign that things suck in
my life. It's the same thing that happened with Palaur
- when your life is hell, you're prolific as shit.
HAHAHA. I can't get over how Charlotte would
constantly tell me how UN-creative I was. That if I
truly loved creation, I'd be CREATING. What the hell
was she looking at again? Anyway, it's been an
insanely creative and proficient year in that aspect.
What I now term "DV Therapy". Something I've done for
over a decade, but only now see as a "collective
work". Setting up that camera on top of my piano, and
singing a few words about my true feelings just to
"get it out" so I can better move on. I'm finding
that this really strange personality quirk of mine,
just may be the string to run through the one-man show
"Adam & The Journey". It's a uniqueness that I
don't remember seeing anywhere. And jesus, the more I
think of it...I don't know of anyone doing
anything like me. LOL. Maybe that's a
clue. LOL. Uniqueness is one thing, but
doing absolutely every phase of your life DIFFERENT
than others, may be a good way to stay poor. LOL. Eh,
who gives a shit. I'm proud of my work, I believe
in my work, and someday others will too. Hell many,
many people do already. Just a matter of time before
the rest of the world catches on...right?
Right.
So I made a new
section on the homepage (which needs a LOT of work,
I know), and will put these songs there in the
future. Something tells me that there's a reason to
highlight all of these little clips. I'm starting to
think more about absolute strangers that hit 4tvs.com
and what they see, and where they go. It's going to
lead to some changes for sure. First and foremost, I
certainly need to explain what the hell 4tvs is right
away. It's not very clear.
I've also unlocked
video #179. I'm damn close to starting to unlock the
locked entries, but I just don't see the need yet.
It's amazing reading though. I read just one of em
today and was absolutely floored by just how well
documented things were, and how OBVIOUS the mental
abuse was on Charlotte's part. I mean, looking back
now - it's so glaringly obvious that every single
action she made, was to further HER career in
television, and not what was best for me. I mean,
EVERYTHING. From the moment she met me she was trying
to help her own writing/producing career. Period.
Nothing more. And even when it was obvious that things
were not going the way she planned, she continued to
beat the dead horse. Even when I said a million times
that I had no interest in becoming just an actor, she
manipulated that scenerio to make me believe that it
was just a tiny "part" of the overall picture. Yet,
she never booked another Trinitrons show, and pushed
me being an actor constantly....so she could have a
"talent" to push a tv deal for her to be a producer.
It's so unfortunate that I let it effect me to the
extent that I did. I wonder how I'll deal with that in
the future? There's bound to be more "Charlottes" in
the future, but I fueled the situation by giving her
the control that I did. Will I have the mental
strength to stick-up for myself? It seems an obvious
yes, but go read those entries from a year ago. I was
so high on the idea that even HALF of what she
was saying was true...whew. Some scary
shit.
Not a whole
helluva a lot more to say about it really. The whole
event, and words she said, will stay with me a
loooooong time. I'm sure they will for her too.
Unfortunately for her though, I'm not even sure she
can admit to herself, in the most private of moments,
what she really did. The thought of not being able to
be honest with even YOURSELF is just horrifying to me.
Because what are you left with? If you hide that for
say 5-10 years...what happens when you do get it? Does
it devastate you? And does it stunt your growth?
That's what has always been the redeeming factor for
me personally to being so FRANK and open and honest:
You grow. You face your own shit. You are humbled and
humiliated, but you learn. If you don't go through
that, and basically brainwash yourself...wow. What
you're left with is a complete stranger. I know my way
is extreme, and much of it is most certainly for the
drama inherent in it, but it pulls ZERO punches. That
was most definitely me on that stage at The Comedy
Store on top of the world. That was most definitely me
being devastated by a phone call weeks later, and that
was most definitely me imagining a gun in my mouth.
And on that lovely
note I'm out. It may be awhile before I write
again. I have to really figure out what the hell I'm
doing in this city, NOW. It'll lead to some newsworthy
entires in a few weeks I'm sure. But the immediate
future may be a bit barren. We'll see.
