Man do I have a
biting vengeful streak in me. Sometimes I just want
someone to hurt. Truly feel pain because of what I
feel they've done to me. I guess we all do, but when
it comes out in me, something must REALLY be up. I
don't know a whole lotta people that are worth the
effort. It's a lot easier to just block 'em on your
buddy list and go about your business.
But then the
writer comes out in me. And I just want to HURT the
person. Sting the person. Well as I mentioned a few
entries back, someone I cared deeply about as aperson,
decided to stop returning calls, have people lie for
her, and basically ignore everything. Finally in a
fluke meeting, my step-mom found out she was simply
"breaking ties". All it would've taken was a 3 minute
phone call, and I would've had no problem. We'd known
each other for nearly 12 years, maintained a
friendship for several years after a divorce, and now
this. It was really the first time in a long time, I
wanted to hurt someone deeply. I felt sucker punched
twice. Once as a husband, and once as a friend. It
wasn't that these relationships were ending, we all
know shit happens, but the absolute lack of respect
for the other person to give so much as a
word.
A uniqueness to
all this is, songs have already been written for tihs
person. Loving songs. As I sat down to the piano,
ready to spit out vile, I began to sing some of the
old songs I'd written for her. It only made me
angrier. I knew that no matter what, she'd be able to
listen to these songs, and remember the good times.
She had a part of me forever, and I wanted to take
that from her. But you can't. No matter how scorned
you are, you can't erase the past...
...or can you?
Ever listen to
Gangsta's Paradise by Coolio? Well then why do you
sing about Amish people when you hear it?
Heh.
So
there was my shot. How hurtful to rewrite
a love song. Take out their name. Make
everytime they hear the original version,
be a reminder of the new lyrics. You've
tarnished chords. You've taken a memory.
You've hurt
someone.
And I can't just
let that be. I have to try and figure out what
the hell this means. I have to analyze it because
it's a part of me I'm not really proud of. I don't
really feel you should ever purposefully
HURT someone. No matter what happens to you, you
just move on. Nothing is gained by HURTING someone.
It's a completely selfish act. But I perform all these
acts in a somewhat public forum. If I find myself with
intense feelings about something or someone (other
than Jessica), I have to chronicle it. I feel if I
don't write an entry about it, I'm not being fair to
"The Journey".
Think about it for
a moment. Think of your last 2 1/2 years. Now imagine
writing it as a story as it happens. Every event that
you feel may change your character, you have to
chronicle it. Think about the strange shit that would
come out. Someone piss you off? It becomes another
chapter. Nothing happening in your life? Guess what,
that gets to be a chapter too. And you can't just
write: "Same old Shit. Late. Adam." - You gotta write
WHY. You gotta write what the hell you're gonna do to
change that. It's such a strange discipline, to
produce this site. Yes, lotsa shit gets the spotlight
that certainly ain't worthy (ahem, soiree thrower),
but for the most part what you get is just strange
insights to what I'm feeling. God, is anyone EVER
gonna read this? LOL.
So here's one
more. Entry #202: Adam's fucking pissy. Someone he's
known for nearly half his life has hurt him and he
wants to return the favor. Not sure what this means in
the life of "The Journey". If this trait will help me
make it, or keep me from it. It's all I've been
thinkin' 'bout the last week, and it's time to end
that.
