Well, I guess in
order to keep this from being a one sentence entry I
have to give my thoughts, right? This is really
starting to wear on me. I've known about Chicago since
Friday, and am just now trying to write this. That's
so out of character for me. The problem is this is all
so intertwined with Charlotte, and what I'm dealing
with legally to break off ties. So my emotions and
feelings about Chicago really revolve around that. On
the other hand, I'm not gonna guard my feelings too
much on the subject just 'cause I know she'll read
this. We both have a stake in this, and are both
pretty caught off guard. Talk about making the future
unknown...
They loved the
show. Thought it was inventive, funny and all those
wonderful things. Here comes the but. But they need to
fill the seats, and the other one man shows have more
name recognition. My first thought: "HUH?". Maybe I'm
just kidding myself, but I was always under the
impression that the festival's name held some weight.
Like Aspen - you go to see new talent, break someone,
because it's ASPEN. To get in there you have to be
funny, refreshing, unique - all those things. Same
with Montreal, Chicago...any of the festivals. Now it
seems that even the "unknowns" have to have some pull.
But, the other dagger is I'm in LA. Even if I did have
buzz, that most certainly wouldn't carry over to
Chicago. Hell, all of you reading this in Columbus
have a better chance at going then anyone here. So I'm
just kinda awe-struck at this point. I feel about
as unprepared as humanly possible. It would be like
trying to get into Montreal in a few months and them
saying: "DUH, you're not ASIAN." Then thinking...wait,
you have to be asian? Had I known that, I
wouldn't have bothered to give you a
tape...
And therein lies
the rub. If by knowing how these festivals work, the
resulting feeeling is I had no business even trying
until I was more known, then what the FUCK have I been
doing for the last year!??! My expectations were high
out of pure ignorance. There was no CHANCE of
getting into anything "this" year. HUH?? And I know
what you're all thinking...but rest assured Charlotte
feels like SHITE right now too. She knows we were
unprepared. We all learn and move on.
But we're moving
on seperately. There's a part of that that still seems
incorrect. It keeps eating at me that there's a
solution to all of this that could benefit both
parties. Charlotte put her heart into The Trinitrons
as much as I did. She fronted the money for the
tapings "knowing" a development deal was emminent and
it would come back to her. Yet I pulled the plug. Now
I have no qualms about that. I was perfectly
justified in what I did. But it could very well be
that our relationship was just too much of a
partnership. And with the way everything was explained
to me from the beginning, I had every reason to
believe that was correct. All I needed to do was
listen to what she said and I'd be famous. And damnit
I did. That was wrong. Dead, dead, dead, wrong.
That gave her entirely too much control. It also put
me in a position where at my WORST, I could only get
worse. Ya know? When I felt suicidal in February
and March, it was because I had no control over
what was happening and I felt everything was wrong.
The solution is to regain control...but control of
what?!!? LOL. It's such a hopeless feeling. To know
that the solution actually leaves you worse off than
before. That is what has changed me forever. That
control, will never be given again. I will always have
my own seperate back-ups to life. Even if it's doing
"theatre groups" and acting classes. It's something to
rely on. It's something that if what your manager said
isn't true...you are STILL DOING A, B, and C.
Now I can't really
beat myself up here about 2001. I've read those
entries, as well as personal journals about the time
period. And given the position I was in before I met
Charlotte, there was NO WAY I could've had this
type of attitude. She made it sound TOO damn possible,
and I was TOO damn clueless: perfect match. HAHAHA. Of
course what we're left with is bad blood, hurt
feelings, insane instant messages, lawyers, documents,
signatures, heartache - and simply no "fair" way
to end this.
Jesus. Hello Adam,
this is about Chicago isn't it? I guess my
subconscious is making me deal with this. It's like I
just open my head and heart into these entries. Let me
rephrase that. I open my heart into these entries, and
my head sometimes is hangin' out at the pool. It's
funny, Chicago has actually made my heart go out to
Charlotte. How FUCKED up is that? I should be so
pissed. I should be so angry that this person had the
audacity to fill my head full of this shit, when in
the end I had no CHANCE of even getting into
these things!!!
But I'm not. I
actually imagine how responsible she must feel at this
moment. You think my faith is shaken? Hell, I can
always power up the TVs and sing, dance, act, be
funny... She has to look at everything as an immense
failure and try to regroup. And believe me, Chicago
kicked her ass too. She was CERTAIN I was getting in.
She knows that their reaction points directly at her.
And for some reason, that fills me with empathy, not
anger. It's funny, there's a document she wants me to
sign to end this "fairly", and it seems the only
"fair" way to end it is to keep fighting. Trying to
recover money from The Trinitrons costs, doesn't make
things anymore "fair". Beating the system is what
makes it fair. Taking a rejections and running with it
- that's how we both win. (sigh).
So I don't really
know what the hell to say. Not even sure if either one
of us wants to open the can of worms again. I just
know that my sense of fairness is being ROCKED right
now, and the solution is not to run away. Interesting
subplot to say the least. Subplot? Heh,
sorry...interesting "Journey" to say the
least.
Oh and how's this
for interesting. So I FINALLY get my car back. 68 days
without it. They finally overnight the check after
months of hounding. I get in my car, and on my way
home I find under the seat a piece of paper with
a BURGER KING ORDER ON IT, some
french fries next to it, and a coke stain in between
my seats. The paper is on "All American Auto Glass"
stationary. They used my car for "FOOD RUNS?".
No, I have no clue what my mileage was before I
dropped it off. I mean really, when someone's
fixing a FENDER you don't necessarily think of that.
So now not only do I need to continue to fight
the insurance company for the 68 days of BULLSHIT -
I have to somehow yell at the goddamn body shop
who felt it was alright to use my car to pick up
FAST FOOD ORDERS. HOLY SHIT could
I be anymore unlucky? Is there a "RAPE ME"
sign on my back? Fuckin' BASTARDS. Although, I'm
pretty sure everyone reading this has seen "Ferris
Beuhler's Day Off" when the attendents take the car
out for a joy ride. And we all probably assume thing
slike this "could" happen...but for them to be
stupid enough to leave the paper in the car?
HOLY SHIT. I can't WAIT to call them tomorrow.
Good GOD. BASTARDS.
But I have my
car. I can be human again. I can do what I need
to do now. Next step: figuring out what the hell that
is. Heh. So another disappointment comes and goes.
Does this mean I won't be doing a show in Columbus?
Yeah, most likely. Unless some of you can figure out a
way for me to make hmmm...about $500 while I'm out
there, there's just ZERO reason for me to drive
across country to do one show. Hell GAS will cost
me $500. Yeah, that just ain't gonna happen. Damnit. I
really wanted that too.
And I pray there's
some friggin' uplifting news soon. I will do my
damndest to effect "The Journey" in a positive
way. It surely needs it.
Adam
Oh
yeah, thanks again to Kyle for providing
this entry's video.
Certainly needed the laugh. It's an "Ikea"
commercial that was aired in Sweden I
believe. We have these stores in LA, but I
guarantee this wasn't aired in the states.
I had to make the quality a lot
better so you can see the joke in the
video, so it's a bit bigger than usual.
But it's very, very funny.
