- Gary never called
The Comedy Store as me...
-
- It simply never
happened folks. As someone who prides himself on not
spreading rumors and innuendo - I am completely guilty
of it and I feel like shit. Let me
explain.
-
- When I first got
word that the person Charlotte talked to at The Comedy
Store said I had called on 2 seperate occasions and
wanted to know when I would be rebooked, and that that
arrogance is what kept me from playing there again -
the only reasonable explanation was Gary. (That is one
LONG sentence) Gary was quite mad at me at the time of
the show because I didn't thank him for his help.
I was mad at him for a myriad of reasons,
ALL OF WHICH were settled the night of
the Christmas show on December 14th. He came to me,
apologized, and we hashed it out. Then on the 11th of
January I hear that he's still talking shit about me
and that someone was calling in as me acting like a
dick. Well all signs certainly pointed to Gary.
I was fucking FURIOUS. I realized of course
that this would've happened BEFORE he had made up with
me, but it simply crossed a decency line - and
I was FUMIN'. I wrote the the entry just spouting
off my feelings and
I DID NOT POST IT.
-
- That's right - I
locked that puppy up. I knew that this was all
conjecture and although it seemed obvious who was to
blame - I felt it had to stay locked.
-
- On February 9th,
however I unlocked it. I was going through a
pretty horrific time in my life and was depressed to
epidemic proportions...and no one could read why
because even my current shit was being locked. The
Gary incident was eating me up inside, and the fact
that it was NOT BEING RESOLVED killed me
more. Here is was a month later - and to my knowledge
everyone at The Comedy Store thought I had done
this!!! I had to get my side out. I unlocked the
entry. People finally understood what was
KICKING MY ASS, along with many other
things. It felt good to finally let it be known what
had really happened...
-
- ...or so I
thought.
-
- A month passes and
there is still no resolution to all of this shit. I
finally decide to actually call this guy myself and
talk to the guy Charlotte spoke with 2 months
previous. He told me it was a completely dead issue.
As well, he said he NEVER said anyone called in as me.
I asked him maybe 4 or 5 times and he reiterated that
that must be some sort've miscommunication...that
Charlotte had called for me, but never me personally.
I told him that I had believed it was Gary (who he
knew from when Gary was a manager there, as well as
Gary's continued performances there), and he said:
"Don't you think we'd recognize his
voice?"
-
- I instantly felt
like a moron. The only "voice" other than his own that
Gary does is a jewish gay-guy. LOL. As I hung up the
phone I realized I had made a GRIEVOUS error. I
actually RAN to Gary's apartment, knocked on the
door and came clean. I explained why I had
thought what I thought and apologized profusely. He
was actually pretty relieved that I finally
apologized. I told him I would make a public
apology as soon as possible and take down the original
entry. For history's sake, I've renamed it from "New
Heights in Talking Shit" to "The Infamous Gary
slander" and tell the story of what I thought had
happened. I try to poke fun at what has been quite
painful for both Gary and I, and hope that this new
entry closes the book on the whole situation.
Check
it out
(#167) when you can. As well, I've since personally
told everyone I ever mentioned the story to in
passing that this was indeed NOT the case, and if
I didn't and you're reading this I'm very sorry. I
tried my best.
-
- And of course to
Gary. Fucking-A man. I'm sure you went through a world
of SHIT because of what I did. I said many things in
that entry I simply never should've touched upon.
I hope you realize that I just wanted the people
reading the journal to understand why my depression
was so acute. It was how I felt, and even if my
feelings were UNFOUNDED - it still ate me up inside to
NEARLY no-end. I am SORRY for any pain I caused
you for the accusation. I would hope you could put
yourself in my shoes for a moment, as well as any
others who may be reading and thought I was just a
delusional jack-ass, and see that with the information
I was given...there was really no other explanation
for someone calling up as me to the club. I see
now that it was an incredible miscommunication, and
once again - I am sorry.
-
- In much the same
vein as airing Gary's dirty laundry, grumblings about
my "soiree-thrower" entrees are certainly making the
rounds. Of course it always helps when someone prints
the entries and GIVES them to people - LOL - but
nonetheless it's out there. Many people feel that even
though I don't use this person's name, that writing
about it on the WORLD WIDE WEB is just uncool.
Well to the WORLD, it means SHIT - because there is no
name used. But to the people
LIVING IN THIS COMPLEX, it means QUITE
a bit - as they know exactly who I'm talking about. So
here's how I feel...
-
- I never wrote a
word about anything until HE screamed obscenities at
me in front of EVERYONE and brought this into the
public. That was his action. Because of this action,
I felt I needed to put my side out there for
those who bothered to read it. And because of said
"printer" more people have been able to see that. And
really, that's pretty much it. I don't write about my
neighbors people. I don't start fights, bitch
about them online - and spend my time with all that. I
put it in the journey because
A)
I have no fucking shows or anything else to talk
about, and all the good shit is LOCKED...LOL - and
B)
it was quite a story of just the kind of people you
run into out here. Now rest assured, from this point
on - this shit is gonna STOP. I ain't writing about
jack shit in this complex anymore - LOL. It just isn't
worth it. I'm now getting physical threats from this
anonymous "Waiting4Break" person who is either
"soiree-thrower" himself or someone who actually wants
to beat my ass simply for not shaking this dude's hand
at a party. Am I turning 27 this year, or 17? It's
like high school all over again. So all I can do
is not add to the fire, and move on with life. But
you'd better believe, if there are anymore threatening
emails - they'll not only be made public, but I'll get
in touch with AOL - find out exactly where the emails
are coming from and call the police. Either way, as I
said before, I'm certainly looking forward to the next
show he said he'd be at...
-
- Ok, next. My GOD I
dread this next section... It certainly seems as
though this needs it's very own entry - but there's
not really a whole lot about the specifics I can talk
about - so what would be the point...
-
- Charlotte is no
longer my manager in any capacity.
-
- The reason why is
the same as any reason anyone ever parts ways with
their representation: irreconcilable differences. She
believes we're on the right path, I don't. I feel it's
changed for the worse in the past 3 months. I see the
show as something that should be out there often, she
feels quite differently. Thus as you know there hasn't
been a show in well over a month and it easily
would've been another month before one was even
thought of being booked. As well the writing arguments
have gotten to a point where I simply cannot continue.
What kills me is the time, effort and money she has
sunk into me - and will get zero return for.
I tried proposing more of "just a manager" type
relationship, as oppoesd to her co-writing everything,
but she said she had no faith in my writing ability
alone, felt uncomfortable with me writing with someone
else, and saw no potential financially with anything
else I could offer. So there you go. It's in many
cases exactly like a divorce. If the person simply
doesn't believe in you or love you - you can't really
argue. So you move on.
-
- I've been asked if
the entries would be unlocked now that it was
over...absolutely not. I have enough respect for
Charlotte's privacy to not do that. Yes, all the
locked entries deal with my feelings of frustration
and anger at our relationship, but they will NEVER be
open to the public. Just as I wouldn't talk about
Jessica if we were going through a break-up, and all
apolgies for 1996 Burgundie-LOL, I won't talk about
Charlotte. I'm sure though, you all have a pretty good
idea of how horrific I feel about this crossroads in
my life. I absolutely thhought I would be with
Charlotte throughout my career. I had every faith
imaginable in her. Hell, if you read the entries from
October and November (give it your best shot, I can't
even read the titles without feeling sick), I was
on top of the world. Not just on top of the world, but
a few months from officially "making it" and ending
this "Journey" - to only 2 months later being at the
lowest point in my entire life...
-
- And here's comes
the final bombshell - this is just gut wrenching. The
thought of my family reading this embarrasses me to no
end. I hold myself up to such standards and when I
show such a weakness I just want to hide. As well,
part of me feels that if I would've been able to talk
openly about all my issues, I wouldn't have felt so
trapped. Locking those entries basically shut me off
to the world. In February I hit unimaginable lows. The
lack of control over my life, the lack of faith in
EVERYTHING lead me to such rage and anger, that I
started taking some left ovewr vicodin from my
deviated septum surgery last year to keep from hurting
myself, or destroying something. I was absolutely
losing my mind. No, I lost my mind. It continued
throughout the month...the only time I was alright was
when I was sleeping. My mind was so irrational at one
point I actually considered suicide. To those reading
you MUST think I'm exagerrating, but unfortunately
since you know nothing of the locked entries - it
seems out of place. The fact that I felt lost in my
current situation, yet resolving that would basically
mean I was back to where I was in the year 2000 - was
almost too much to bear. I had nothing else to focus
on and absolutely no control over my life. Every faith
in any ability I had ever had was UTTERLY dead. I
started to think of Kurt Cobain and what he must've
felt like. He hated the stardom, but had no way to
control that. He couldn't stop being a star
NO MATTER WHAT. He was trapped in a world
where he saw absolutely no escape. To me, there was
nothing worse then not progressing, and ending the
relationship with Charlotte not only meant not
progressing - it meant taking a GIGANTIC leap back.
The thought devastated me. Add to that the unresolved
issues with Gary, and again many things within the
locked entries, simply put me over the edge. The
vicodin never became a habit thank GOD. It was
probably only 3 or 4 days in the past 2 months that I
felt if I didn't take something I would be in serious,
serious danger. I did however take LARGE doses.
Like 1500 mg at a time. Made me feel fine right away.
Oddly enough, it actually somewhat made me think
"everything was gonna be fine...there's nothing wrong"
Scary as HELL what drugs will do to you.
-
- It all came to a
head one night when after a conversation with
Charlotte about the script - I found myself yelling at
Jessica for questioning me about anything. I had
SOOOOO much RAGE in me. There's really no other word
to describe it. She fought the tears, picked up the
laundry and went to throw a load in and I just felt
like the scum of the earth. I thought I had no other
choice then to take 2 more vicodin to ensure I would
not hurt her any further. Please be well aware that
the worst thing I've ever done to Jessica is raise my
voice...I would hit myself before her. Anyway, she
came back in and I admitted what I had done. Her
reaction was understandably angry and scared. I told
her that this wasn't the first time, and that I
certainly craved the feeling of instant calm brought
to me no matter how enraged I was just moments before.
We both agreed that this couldn't continue and I would
have to deal with my problems soon.
-
- Unfortunately that
wasn't the end. I started hearing a song in my head.
It was a theme from "Hatris" a game I downloaded. For
some reason, it made me cry. I'm such a pussy. The
melody just struck a chord in me that seemed like the
absolute saddest, spookiest thing I had ever heard. I
played it on the piano for hours. I was entranced
by it. Over and over. It actually depressed me.
I heard it playing as I saw my funeral. It
was fucked up and I was completely straight at the
time. I saw my caskett from INSIDE and my father
consoling my little brother. It was one of the worst
things I had ever visualized. I was certain I was
going to go through with it. I was going to take every
pill I could find and end it. All this while I played
that song again and again. My first thought was of
what everyone would think. I was somehow "fine" with
Jessica, because she'd be able to go back home and
find the domestic life she wants so badly. I wondered
what would happen to those just reading "The Journey".
They'd never even know why I had done it since
everything was locked. But I assumed that in the
future somehow, my entries would stand unlocked and
opened for everyone to see. I saw myself as a
source of inspiration in the future somehow - people
this is totally irrational thought. I'm talking about
being a source of inpiration by KILLING myself.
Amazing how depression effects your rational thought.
All the while, this loop over and over. So I taped it,
and said a few words and made the video for Entry
#182. When I posted it and sent the email, I fully
thought that that was my swan song. That was it. That
spooky fucking melody would haunt everyone and I would
IMPACT people's lives. Absolutely INSANE thoughts
people.
-
- I made it through
another day, and that's when I realized that I had
nothing to lose by calling The Comedy Store myself to
get to the bottom of it. I felt justified by the
length of the loose end alone. And when I finally got
through to the guy and found out that there was a
miscommunication, it was this amazing since
of...CONTROL. It was the first time I had taken
control of a situation in what seemed like MONTHS. The
elation was soon tempered by the fact that I had some
BIG TIME apologizing to do to Gary, but for that
moment - I was me again.
-
- The issues have
since been resolved and although I'm pretty fucking
lost right now - I'm OK. Have I learned something? Oh
my have I learned something. I will never, ever give
that much control over my career to someone else
again. No matter what anyone says to me, I will always
keep another career path open, and actively pursue it
no matter what. Even if I have nothing at the moment -
the second I see me falling into the "total
faith" mode - I will FIND something else. Not
only will I never put my eggs in one career
basket again, I won't ever put all my eggs into
another PERSON again. What a strange visual
THAT is...
-
- The bottom line is
at the end of the day, you're in the mirror - not your
wife, your manager or your family. And YOU are
responsible for how your life ends up. Blaming someone
else for where you are is worthless - you allowed them
to put you there. Wow... I was wrong to write that
about Gary, I was wrong to give up control of my life,
and then bitch when it was unsatisfactory, and I was
wrong to take drugs instead of dealing with the issue.
I just tied up every disjointed section of this entry
with one theme: "Take responsibility for your
actions..."
-
- Who says I can't
write.
-
- Adam
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