- 11:34 AM, Friday,
February 22nd, 2002:
-
- Hey there,
Hi there, Ho there. Adam's in a good mood. Amazing
ain't it.
-
- That's how I
started my last entry. That was before the call to
Charlotte. Amazingly, although the call ended
cordially - as I reiterated what happened in the call
to Jessica I realized I was hoodwinked again. By the
end of the night, I took 2 vicodin (1500 mg) just to
calm the uncontrollable RAGE inside of me. I didn't
want to YELL at Jessica about stupid things when
it was all Charlotte's doing. Unfortunately in order
to explain all of this I have to explain Charlotte's
call and everything leading up to it. Ugh. I dread
this soooooooo much.
-
- The phone call
started off with her telling me I looked awkward
and stiff in front of the camera on the tape that I
made for the pilot. I was going to say nothing, as I
didn't want to be defesnive about it, but there was a
pause indicating she wanted response. I tried to
explain that that was the direction given in the
sides. Be awkward and stiff. Didn't know any other way
to play it, other than be an "unsure, nervous looking,
awkward" teenager. She then went on to tell me that I
should never have slated it in my normal voice, that I
should've kept my 17 year old voice. That
I blocked it incorrectly, and that Paddy should
never have been in one of the shots. Then finally said
that Jessica looked the most natural of all of
us.
-
- How I didn't just
hang up the phone right then is beyond me. It's not
that I'm sensitive to criticism, but I first of all I
don't believe she read the scripts. She brought up
timing in one of the scenes and, had she been reading
along, she would've realized that we were pausing for
sfx and other things we were just supposed to
pantomime and so forth. As far as being awkward and
stiff - FUCK YOU Charlotte. Have enough
sense to realize that this is the same person you
thought did wonderful as the 4 TV Trinitrons.
Obviously I was trying to follow the direction of
being "awkward and stiff" and it wasn't my
ACTING skill. And as far as the slating (which I
didn't even know WAS until you told me to just say my
name and what I'm doing), and the blocking, and the
shots - if it's that fucking important - why don't you
come by?!?! HUH?! Or at least tell me ahead of time.
What kind of manager are you? Wow this has most
certainly changed to 1st person hasn't it. Oh well,
I'll run with it. You didn't prepare me well enough,
and then decided to tell me how much you know about
everything. And what on earth would possibly make you
feel the need to make the Jessica comment? Even
Jessica wanted to slap you when I told her that. Her
line was ALL personality. In fact I'm the one who told
her how to say it... mine were all under the guise of
being awkward, and unsure, and stiff as a 17 year old.
So who's gonna look more natural? You're a complete
MORON Charlotte. And did you realize the lines I
chaged to ADD personality? No, because you didn't
READ anything. You're quite adept at stripping every
ounce of confidence I've ever had in myself. Nice
management skills.
-
- So we then move
onto the sitcom script - oh not before I could get a
"What about the Warner Bros. guy" in. And she said she
can't call him with a date for a show because she
doesn't have a date. I would say why, but I know why.
As she's said a few days earlier she spends 4 to 5
hours a day going through breakdowns for me because
it's pilot season. When would she have time with
everything else she's doing? Of course this certainly
asks the question: "WHAT'S PRIORITY HERE?" -
And of course, hmmmm would it be that my earlier
worries about her "CHANGING MY PATH, GOALS,
TIGHTROPE" all of that - were dead on.?!?! Was I right
in early December? Yup. The Trinitrons are dead. I am
now just an actor to her. But
I digress.
-
- She sent me about
12 "suggestions" for the beatsheet an hour before the
phone call. She was supposed to send me a completed
beatsheet (in-depth outline of entire pilot) a week
ago. Which I was going to take and add some of my
thoughts and be ready for the meeting today. So
obviously in an hour what can I do? I asked her
this, and somehow backed out of directly accusing her
of not doing what she said she would do (that came
later). Her first idea completely threw me off because
it made no sense. We had an idea of a neighbor kid
like Seth Green who HATED boy bands. He'd always come
over and make fun of them. He actually did like the
guys themselves, but loved poking fun at their past
heights of boy bandom. She then says the pilot would
start with this neighbor kid and the decorator in the
house before the boys get there. She thinks he's one
of the boy band members and he offers suggestions on
how to decorate. She says this is to set up how really
well he knows the band.
-
- Huh?
-
- How did he get
into the house? Why does he know the band? Is he being
deceitful to the decorator to "fuck" with the boys?
That's kind of funny, but to say that he knows them so
well. She says this is because he eventually wants to
take over the manager's job...right? WHAT???!?! All
tihs is news to me, and I'm completely lost on what
the hell she's talking about. I stop nagging after
awhile, because it's obvious I'll get nowhere. Her
retort of "Well he watches MTV - THAT'S why he knows
about them even if he hates boybands" was pretty much
the clincher there. That's such stupid reasoning, I
can't compete.
-
- So we move on to
another idea. She now wants all the members on the
screen at the same time via split-screen conference
call at the beginning. Completely destroying what I
thought was the charm of the outline: showing
everyone individually in their own space at the
beginning, and then when they come together it creates
more of an identity for the band on top of which, you
never really show how similar the guys look. This
isn't the klumps with a lot of make-up. On close
examination you'll see that it's the same person no
matter what. But if we establish them on their own, in
their environment right away - that helps. But showing
them all on a FACING camera split screen with a
conference call - oh JESUS is that a bad idea. Of
course I say all of this, and she has a defence
for everything. It's faster this way, cheaper this
way...beasically her idea is right. So we move
on.
-
- Then she asks me
to read everything and call her back because it's
soooooo jumbled and you have to read it all to
understand. I do, and still don't understand most
of it. I call back and ask her why she didn't just
write the beat sheet. It seems she has enough material
here to do so, why is it all out of order. "A beat
sheet would've overwhelmed you" - Ahhhh, I see, once
again it's my shortcoming. Always amazed at how she
makes her deficiencies mine...great management skill
there - LOL. I explain at this point that I'm not
sure how to say anything to her and get anywhere. For
example another idea had G being the cook (though
I had already established that Spencer would be
the one who likes to cook and is addicted to food tv),
but having G offer to cook for all the boys at the end
of the show, but they opt for cereal. I had already
established that there would be a fight in act 2
leading to all the doors being slammed shut. That to
start the last part, we'd see G and Adam walk into the
kitchen....in fact here:
-
- We see
ADAM and GARY enter the kitchen from
opposite ends at the same time. GARY
scowls a bit and proceeds to take out a
box of cocoa puffs and a bowl.
-
- ADAM
- Gimme
some.
-
- GARY
glares at him and takes out a much smaller
bowl.
-
- ADAM
- I
want THAT bowl (pointing to
Gary's).
-
- GARY
- Oh
DO you. (BEAT) Take
it.
-
- ADAM
goes to grab it as GARY takes out a
SERVING bowl, pours ALL the cereal into it
and smiles.
-
- GARY
- Enjoy.
-
- ADAM
just sighs. GARY grabs the milk and is
about to pour, but shakes his head, grabs
ADAM's bowl and scoups out some for him.
GARY pours milk in both (quite a bit of
milk for his bowl) and they begin to eat
as Dewey comes in.
|
- Alright, this sets
up a bunch. It keeps the ongoing rivalry between Adam
and G going. They haven't talked the entire
episode...but by Gary doing something "semi-nice" for
Adam it sets up what is to be the last scene where all
the boys talk about their situation over cereal and we
see that they really do all care about each other.
They have pasts together, and even though they had
grown apart and lived seperately for many years, that
coming together isn't the WORST thing that could
happen. They enjoy each other's company and will fight
as a team. Gary and Adam don't talk - but they're not
enemies.
-
- By Charlotte
writing this:
-
- During the
last scene he offers to cook the boys a midnight
snack, but instead they all opt for
cereal.
-
- To me says, she
didn't like my idea - rewrote it and presented it this
way. So how do approach her? I did ask her about
this and she said she wasn't even thinking about what
I had written. Ok, how should I take that? That
she is disregarding what I wrote? But before I
even said that we argued for 60 minutes (an hour to
most people-lol) about how I cannot dislike her ideas.
It's impossible for me to say "no" to her. I mean
I can say it but she'll always win out. Like this
end scene for example. I like mine better. Period. I
love the bowl scene. I think it's funny, and
I think in a nice tiny fast action it sets up
that they have or had a relationship in the past. Him
offering to make dinner for everyone and they opt for
cereal, first of all is completely out of character
for him, and as well this implies that they're
together when he says this...when I thought we'd
established that they were not speaking to each other,
and then slowly trickle in at night 'cause the're
hungry and one by one come down until we see all 5 of
them eating cereal and starting to come together as a
group. But forget all of that, what do I do? What do I
say. She will always win. I can tell her that
I don't like changing my ending, and WHY I
don't like it - but my opinion mean shit unless she
agrees with it. If I bring up a point she respects,
and SHE likes it, then it's ok. But there is
NO give and take.
-
- Just like in The
Trinitrons, there's about 5 or 6 jokes and ideas I
DO NOT LIKE. But for the betterment of the
show, I agreed to get it done. In the long run the
show is great and the little things don't matter. But
is there any vice-versa there? Did we ever once go
with an idea she didn't like? HELL NO. If
I tried to win that battle there'd be no show.
-
- Of course she
turns this around on me and how I won't let her defend
herself, yet I want her to. It goes on and on and
on. We talked and yelled for 3 hours. And it's
everything...her not booking a goddamn show - but I'm
not joining any theatre groups am I?!?! Can't you see
Charlotte, I'm trying my DAMNDEST to hold onto The
Trinitrons, and every step I take puts them further
and further into the grave. You've already stopped
booking them, and put all your efforts into me as an
actor...what's next? And the other thing, I don't
believe you. I don't believe in you. All faith is
gone. You've lied, and twisted, and manipulated all in
an effort to show you're right. That is the ultimate
bottom line. And the worst is that you've stripped
every ounce of faith I had in myself. All of it. From
acting, to singing, to being funny, to performing. I
don't believe in myself at all.
-
- Anyway, we ended
the coversation cordially - though I have no idea
where we stand. I started to explain to Jessica and I
just lost it. The rage is just too much. So we went to
get her some dinner, and it kept building and
building. I'm SOOO trapped here. Charlotte gave
my tape to a judge for the Chicago Comedy Festival.
We'll find out in mid-April. Do I want to lose that?
We were gonna try and book a show in New York and
Columbus to make it worth the trip. That'd be AWESOME.
I want that SOOO MUCH. And of course
Montreal in May and June. I can't drop her now can I?
As well what if it all comes down to acting anyway.
What if every manger tells me that's my strongsuit and
should follow it? Then I should've just let her be my
manager and give out my headshots and resumes - why
nix that all right now? And I sure would LIKE some of
those headshots. I gotta get those before this is
all over. Ugh.
-
- And finally - JOY.
Happiness. Where is this... I've been so suicidal
recently as I talked about in the 2-9-02 entry.
The vicodin in my mind is better than what I WANT to
do. Unfortunately I scared the hell out of Jessica and
I feel wretched about it. Jess told me something that
left out some tiny piece of information that was
crucial to me understanding what she was talking
about. It was a minor thing but it mirrored what
Charlotte did to me ALL DAY. Assuming I know
this, and this, and this. And then being pissy when
I haven't the slightest idea what she's talking
about. Well I was quick tempered with Jess about
it - but immediately understood what was happening.
And for the first time drew connections between
Charlotte and how she's fucking up my entire psyche.
Jess left to get the laundry, and I just lost it.
I was sooooo angry and distraught with Charlotte and
so out of control. I took 2 vicodin just so I
wouldn't do any harm. I knew it would calm my
body WAY down. I felt I had to mention this to Jess,
and doing so really shook her up. I also
mentioned that in the last three months I had taken 1
pill maybe 3 times. Not a huge deal, but still -
taking anything to escape reality is bad. Really bad.
-
- What this did do
of course was allow me to talk to Jess about
everything and what we need to do to get past this. We
both agreed dropping Charlotte now would just be
stupid. We should at LEAST try to get the Chicago
Festival and go from there. What is important is
finding something to keep me ALIVE in the meantime.
Something that'll make me smile again. Something
that'll make feel like I'm human. Everyone says a job,
but a job outside of this industry would completely
make me nuts right now. Talk about wasting time. As
well I do NOT want to join a theatre group and hang
around other actors. The thought makes my skin crawl
right now. It just isn't me - PERIOD. This is what I'm
dealing with now though. This is what I must
find.
-
-
-
- Adam
-
- original
video file
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