Holy shit has this
month kicked my ASS. This is gonna be a
HUGE entry. It may challenge for the biggest of
all time. LOL. If that thought makes you sigh - go
back to your porn pages, 'cause I can't compete. But
if you'd like to get insight into life in Los Angeles,
and more specifically what fuels me - keep reading.
It's quite a story.
I'll first say
that the locked February 9th entry is absolutely gut
wrenching. I don't ever want anyone to read it. What's
happening to me right now is wretched. The depression
is unprecedented. Palaur's depression was fleeting,
this just doesn't go away. It's absolute hatred of my
situation without any real control to make a
difference. All I can say is that something really,
really, really good needs to happen soon. Not even
something big mind you. Just something positive. I
really hope that when that happens, the "locked"
entries will cease, and "The Journey" can continue
uninterrupted. Please note that the last entry was not
locked because of my embarrassment at my own feelings.
I would NEVER lock an entry because of that. The entry
simply makes NO sense without reading the first three
entries of this month which unfortunately will not
budge.
Enter a minor
subplot, that on face-value is VERY minor. What makes
it worthy of an entry is the impact it has on what
life in LA is really about. As well, it's another
one of those stories that has to make you shake your
head and think I'm lying. As is the case with the DVD
incident a year ago, and the Comedy Story Saga that
continues, I paint another picture of myself as
"completely in the right", whereas the other person is
ENTIRELY in the wrong. (sigh). I am well aware that
these stories have to be read suspiciously by anyone
with half a BRAIN, but I swear to
EVERYTHING I HOLD DEAR IN MY LIFE,
that I am not putting a bias or spin on the events. I
have searched my mind for fault on my part and damnit
to hell I can't find any. So here goes.
A fellow actor man
out here that I have hung out with on a handful of
occasions was putting together a party for Ross the
Super-Stud who is going into the military on Tuesday.
I call him Lieutenant Dan 'cause get this: His uncle,
father and grandfather all joined the military on
THE DAY a major strike happened against the US.
I'm not sure what they all were - but it was that day.
He always felt that it would never happen to him, but
lo and behold 9/11. That day he joined up. Amazing.
His family also lives in New York adding to the
pressure. He's a bit apprehensive, but excited
nonetheless. Anyway, it's usually customary for those
attending to throw in $5 to cover food costs and beer.
So two weeks before the party I'm asked by the
"soiree-thrower" if Jess and I can throw in $10 each
to pay for the keg. More than a reaction to the money,
it was simply too early for Jess and I to commit to
the party as her schedule is week to week. He
understood and asked me again about 3-4 days later. At
this point I knew I had a meeting that
night, AND if it were to end early - Jess and
I wanted to go out to dinner for Valentine's Day.
We've had ONE nice dinner alone since we moved
out here - quite looking forward to it. He seemed to
understand.
About 3 days
before the party he knocks on my door, and comes in
and asks for donations for the keg. I looked at him
with a little confusion, as I thought he
understood that I wasn't going to be able to make it
to the party... "We're not coming..." Full of attitude
he jets out and says fine. Before he could close the
door I said: "Didn't we talk about this last
week?" "Hey man, if you can't give a couple bucks for
Ross, who is going out to fight for our country,
that's your choice..." and SLAMMED my door. Holy shit
was I pissed. Besides his attitude being WAY out
of line...you don't slam my door. You don't go into
someone else's home, insult them, and then SLAM their
door over ABSOLUTELY nothing. I was in shock. I
then looked down at the flyer for the party and
noticed that it was a potluck. LOL. With the following
line at the bottom:
"Please
contact (the apartment manager) to coordinate your
dish, and we'll provide the beer,
Thanks!"
?!?!?! Yeah, you
got me. I'm befuddled at this point. But here's where
the story gets interesting. What's my next move? Do
I go out and get him and try to get to the bottom
of this? Try to make ammends? Try to salvage the
relationship? Do I wait for him to come to his senses
and apologize? Well my first instinct when he slammed
the door was: "You better damn well NEVER open that
door again. You've slammed my door for good." And even
after my anger subsided, this is still how I felt. His
actions were completely uncalled for and out of line,
and I'm not gonna act like everything's rosy. It
really boils down to this gut - VALUE SYSTEM - that
I have for my life:
You have to be
responsible for your actions. You also have to hold
others responsible for their actions too. If I were to
forgive and forget here, what would that say for who I
am? On the other hand, he didn't shoot my cat - it's
not a big deal that he lost his temper, is it? I
decided to just let it lie, and usually time shows the
way. I wasn't above making ammends, but the ball was
certainly in his court. I would accept an apology, but
I couldn't just act like nothing had happened. Seemed
like a good plan of action. I was quite
wrong...
So the night of
the party as Jess and I are walking to the car to go
out to dinner, we stop in the rec room to say goodbye
to Ross. "Soiree-thrower" comes up to me and says:
"Hey you could
make it after all..."
"No, I'm not
'making it' - I'm just saying goodbye."
Sensing my
frustration:
"You're not mad are you..."
"You came into
my house, insulted me and slammed my door. I'm not
really happy"
"Dude, you're
gonna hold a grudge?!? Come on..."
He then puts his
hand out for me to shake it. Huge judgement call on my
part here - I could've just acted like everything was
cool, instead...
"Man, I'm not
really comfortable with this. That wasn't cool what
you did."
"You're gonna
treat me like that here?!?!"
This is the moment
I realize just how drunk he was. I figured
he was a little bit since the party was 2 hours old,
but he LOST it. All because I wouldn't shake
his hand?!?!? Again, if I were in his shoes - I'd at
least take that as a sign that maybe an apology is in
order. It was an extremely PASSIVE gesture on my
fault. As well, NO ONE was watching us, so
it wasn't like I was "showing him up" but not
shaking his hand in front of people. I really thought
he was about to punch me. I just stood there waiting,
assuming I was about to get slammed. He instead
chose to storm off, but not before he was able to
SCREAM in front of the 20-25 people at the
party:
"Fuckin' dick,
oh you're gonna make it REAL far in this town with
your fuckin' attitude...(obscenity,
obscenity)"
...out the door.
(sigh).
Embarrasing to say the least. Especially because
everyone of course looks at me and I'm just standing
there watching him. Now I know that most of you feel
that "picking out the asshole" in this scenerio would
be easy as a party bystander. It really isn't the
case. Yeah, it's obvious he was out of line - but
since Jess and I left, he got to tell each and
every person what I had done. I found out later he
said that I promised him money and wouldn't pay
up!!! How blatantly shitty is that? And if I were
at that party...I'd completely believe him. I'd think
to myself: "Yeah, he shouldn't have screamed all that
shit, that wasn't cool...but Adam shouldn't have
promised to pay and then renigged." It's human nature
to try and see both sides of an issue and rationalize
it as such.
It nonetheless
ruined my dinner with Jess. Damnit. Couldn't stop
thinking about it. The whole thing was just absurd.
When we got back, I went back to the party to see if I
could find out any of the aftermath. I was told what
he said by a few people, and "soiree-thrower" walked
passed me: "My fucking favorite person" he
growled. I assumed by this point he was ever-so
drunk. Then Gary came to the party. It wasn't long
before "soiree-thrower" is explaining the story to him
and another group of people. Great. Spread the love
buddy. Oddly enough he and Gary shook hands after the
story. Take that as you will. Another fine anecdote is
that every person I asked (who has a cup of beer in
their hand) said: "I was never asked to donate
money..." (sigh).
So the resolution,
what to do. Well first thing I did was write a
letter to him, and gave a copy to the apartment
manager to keep in a file. I just wanted record of the
events, and as well I felt she needed an explanation
as she was there when he screamed at me during the
party. The letter is basically exactly what
I just wrote:
(soiree-thrower),
Wanted to get
this in writing, as it's very simple and there's no
need for miscommunication.
You asked for
$10 from both Jess and I over 2 weeks before Ross's
party, before the invitations even went out. I
explained I didn't even know if we could attend
yet.
You asked again
a few days later if I could donate for the keg and
I said I would not be able to attend. I had a very
important meeting that night at 6:30, and wasn't
sure when it'd be over. I thought everything was
understood.
A few days
before the party you knocked on my door and again
asked for a donation. I was quite taken aback. I
again stated that I wasn't attending the party and
you stormed out. As you were about to close the
door, I asked: "Didn't we talk about this a few
weeks back?" You then said "Hey if you can't give a
couple of bucks to support Ross who is going out to
fight for our country I understand…" and
SLAMMED my door.
That's
completely unacceptable
(soiree-thrower).
Every aspect of how you've handled this has been
completely out of line. To hound someone to chip in
for a keg, for a party they AREN'T attending just
doesn't make sense. Especially when your flyer says
quite plainly: "Please contact (the apartment
manager) to coordinate your dish, and we'll provide
the beer, Thanks!" And to top it off by coming into
my apartment with that attitude and then slam my
door? Are you kidding? This isn't college, and
you're not in a dorm. You need to have a little
more respect for your surroundings.
And finally
your actions at the party speak for themselves. I
simply didn't want to shake your hand without some
sort've apology. I constantly allow people to run
all over me and then act like everything's alright,
and I'm sick of it. At some point I need to stick
up for myself and say "No, everything's not
alright." That's all I did, and you completely lost
it. Then when I left, you proceeded to tell
everyone that I backed out on paying you!??! What
are you trying to accomplish? (sigh) - I don't want
to argue these points. I simply wrote this to
explain my position, and to have some record of the
events that happened. If you don't do it right
away, things tend to get exaggerated.
If you'd like
to respond, please do so with a letter. I will NOT
open my door to you.
Adam
I have seen him
since and there hasn't been a word. I fully expect
that he'll never contact me and will speak badly of me
to all who will listen. Which brings us to the real
dilemma of this entire long-ass freakin' entry. My
decisions and value system, and where it will lead
me.
I now have 3
unnecessary enemies in this city. I say unnecessary
because I could easily have looked the other way, kept
up a front - and would still consider these people my
friends. Instead, I decided to hold them responsible
for their actions or in other words "hold a grudge".
My reasoning for this is always the future. Everyday
minor events with friends and acquaintances are
insights to them as people. Take the DVD incident last
year. DUDE LOST IT. Screaming at the top of his
lungs about how ungrateful I was in asking for
compensation for my DVD that he damaged. If you
haven't read this entry, you must. Entry
#126 - Only In
LA...
I could justify
breaking off my ties, because I saw a side of this guy
that was incredible - and I felt lucky to get the
hell out while I could. What stressed me out
about this guy was a mutual friend we had. She only
saw the nicest, tamest, most kind person on the planet
in him - AS I HAD just hours before the
event - and everyone who ever meets him will only see
that side too. I think I was one of the rare few
to see him snap - so if it ever came down to "who's
right" - I'd lose in a heartbeat. No one would believe
my story at ALL. But no matter - this "enemy" was by
all means MANDATORY in my life. Dude scared
me.
Soiree-thrower as
well was not the most stable of people in the very
very few times I spent with him before all of
this. In fact the first 3 times I talked to him he was
a blithering drunk. His roomate was apparently the
cause of this and once he left - the soiree -thrower
seemed much cooler. We went jogging together and he
was much more mellow. But it all came back with a
vengeance in the past few days. So I guess I'm
seeing a side of him that I probably don't want to be
associated with - so I should chalk this up as a
victory right? Not exactly.
I don't want
enemies. There's NO NEED for enemies.
I treat everyone with respect, I'm overly polite
and helpful to a FAULT. Gladly edit video for people,
or try to help them - it's my nature. I love the
"potential" in people - and hope everyone does their
best. I've ALWAYS felt that way. It's what I
loved about this complex. So many great hard working,
talented people. And we all root for each other. But
the only way I could avoid this "enemy" was to
completely allow him to walk all over me and say
nothing. Act like everything was cool. Is this what I
need to do to keep contacts in this city?
And that's where
this all comes into focus. I'm not in Columbus, Ohio -
where a story like this would be brushed off in a
matter of seconds. I assume most of you are
thinking this is the stupidest entry I've ever
written. But I'm in LA. I now have 2 people in my
complex alone who are happy to talk shit about me.
Nevermind the 20-25 people at the party who even if 2
of them believed "soriee-thrower" - it still paints a
mysteriously negative picture on me. It could very
well lead to me losing opportunities.
Now what makes
this a "life-changing" event in my mind is what's also
whisked me out of depression, albeit temporarily:
Belief. Faith. What had made me so depressed before is
an absolute lack of belief in myself or the path I'm
on. I believed in November, I just don't believe in
ANYTHING right now. That really hasn't changed. I
need some sort of positive event to do that. But what
has changed is that I DO believe in my
values, and I will not change them. I know that
my reactions to "soiree-thrower" are dead-on.
I have every right to be upset with how
I was treated, and as well - I have every right
to look at the stiuation as "him burning a bridge
TO ME" and not the other way around. I am holding
him responsible for his actions -
JUST AS I EXPECT TO BE HELD RESPONSIBLE FOR MINE!!!
Can you imagine if
I DID THIS?!! Went into someone's house,
insulted them, and then slammed their door 'cause they
wouldn't pay me for something? Something they told me
TWICE BEFORE they wouldn't be attending, so there
was no need to even ask them again!??! Then be
UBER-PISSED that this person wouldn't shake my
hand a few days later when I made NO ATTEMPT
at an apology? Of course not. That's why this whole
thing is absolutely STUPID. Of course I never
speak to this guy again. Hell even if he apologizes to
me - I would still proceed with MUCHO CAUTION.
(I'm gettin' all spanish up in this mofo). I guess
I just hate to know there are people out there
who are slamming my name, and that the old addage
"people will consider the source" won't necessarily
ring true. This will tarnish my reputation to a
degree.
But what a debate
huh? Is this practice experiences for when I get
famous, or what will my actions keep me from ever
being famous. Wow...time will tell. It really is an
LA thing though. I imagine this shit back
in Columbus and well...it's just easier to stick to
your guns back east. Your neighbors aren't your future
bosses and partners. And that may be the biggest part
of all of this: I don't treat my neighbors as future
bosses and parnters, I treat them as anybody
else. The moment I start backing down because I'm
worried about my own ass, it's the moment I need
to re-evaluate things. If I let that dude yell at me
and slam my door - and then act like everything was
alright...I would HATE myself. It'll be interesting to
see how many times I go through this before that
starts to change...
And now for the
lighter news: Michael Jordan's 39th birthday today. It
was 10 months ago that I wrote Entry #119 asking
him to stay in retirement. LOL. Now I'm more rabid
about following the Wizards than the Bulls last 3
Championship runs combined. Hell those were
"givens" back then...what's happening now with
The Wizards is absolutely astonishing. Fighting for
3rd place in the East and Jordan leading the way. It's
UNTHINKABLE. It's one of the most incredible sports
stories ever told. Jim Gray actually said the word
"championship" to Jordan at the All-Star break. No
shit. It's really a "no-win" situation in that sense
for MJ. At the start of the season, most people said
getting that wretched team to the playoffs would be a
bigger accomplishment than winning a championship.
Yes, they were THAT bad (19-63 - WITH Juwon
Howard who they traded). Now not only are they
expected to get into the playoffs, they are expected
to get past the first round. And if they take over the
3rd seed?!!? Man, it's just amazing. Soooooo
inspirational.
And so
far, 3 game winning shots for MJ.
This
one
was Friday Night. Dude is THIRTY FREAKIN'
NINE. Damn. If he doesn't win MVP this
year it's a travesty. MVP is for most
valuable player to any team in the league,
and he should win the lifetime
MVP award. He makes EVERYONE around
him better. EVERYONE.
Alright, so it's
over now. Incredibly long, but it was quite necessary.
The saga continues, and I pray that there will be
some good news to report soon. My depression, though
semi-subsided, still lingers. Need some positive light
NOW.
