"Incomprehensible"
- a word that 3 months ago showed my absolute shock,
now means the same thing...
...but just a
TEEEEEEEENY bit different.
The Journey is no
more. This is the first entry that I'm writing with
the full knowledge that it's over. As sad as I am, I
must say the relief is almost equal to it. There's no
more bullshit now. This is finally my journal now. The
fact that I had to compromise that, if even for
ONE ENTRY, sickens me. No more. I wrote everyone
(except Charlotte) and told 'em:
Subject:
Who thought it'd end like
this?
Fellow
Online Supporters,
It's
with an absolutely devastated heart that I
must inform you that "The Journey" is no
longer online. So why...
I've
found myself absolutely sugar coating
everything in the past 5 or so entries.
Basically lying and making excuses so as
to not ruffle feathers. Things have gotten
to the point where it is ABSOLUTELY
IMPOSSIBLE to write an entry without
making excuse after excuse, or edit my
entry for DAYS and that has to stop. The
moment I realized I was about to write my
3rd straight locked entry - I knew it was
over. Honesty and sincerity is the heart
of "The Journey", and to compromise that
is worthless.
I'd
say that this is only temporary, and that
when things improve I'll be back online -
but I don't believe that to be true. I
think I've found out why no one else has
ever done a live "Journey" - you can't be
honest in this city. I tried my damndest
but you just can't.
I will
however continue everything offline.
Naming the entries, making videos -
pictures...all of it. I'll write it as if
you're all reading it still, and maybe
someday there'll be a way to release it.
Maybe at some point everything will unlock
and we'll all be happy. I honestly have no
idea what the future holds.
If
anything monumental happens I will most
certainly write you all. It kills me that
some of you have followed this so closely
and now have no way of seeing what happens
next other than IM'ing me periodically.
(sigh). So pissed.
Oh
well - it is what it is. I thank you all
sooooooo much for the support and hope
that things turn out better than I forsee.
You never know.
Adam
Whew. What a
moment. Still a bit in shock that it's come down to
this. I wonder how people will react... I bet
I don't get more than 15 emails.
Anyway...
I started writing
this entry at NOON. Lemme get that out before
I continue:
12:14 PM,
Sunday, February 3rd, 2002:
I started to
cry as I fell asleep last night. No shitting. I
guess when you realize that all that was
said/felt/promised last year is complete horseshit
there's just no other emotion. Only memories of my
divorce nearly 5 years ago compare. I'm utterly
embarrased really. I hate looking like a fool.
I hate that I counted my chickens. I hate the
egg on my face - and all because I believed
100% in Charlotte. I had no choice though. When
I disagreed with her, I was made to look like
a complete fucking fool. When I showed doubt -
it was considered weak. And to read how amazingly
happy I was in November may be the most
difficult thing to ever read. In fact - I would say
that I won't be able to read the other
"incomprehensible" for easily another
year.
The real
resason for locking everything COMPLETELY is
so I can hide my feelings from Charlotte.
I need to make sure I've gotten everything
I can out of the relationship before I end
this. Even if I were to buy the headshots back from
her - who do I give them to!? I need to let
her send a few of 'em out before I kill this. As
well - let's see what happens on Tuesday and the
days and weeks following. She can only hide from
her ineptness for so long. When absolutely no
industry shows up at the Improv Comedy West - we'll
see what she says. Hell I should bring that up
today if we ever meet. Then there's all the loose
ends that I'd like to see sewn up. That letter has
to go out to Mitzi - that situation needs to be
finalized one way or the other. Largo, Ha-Ha, Grace
Wu, all that...once I feel secure with all of those
things, and I have my headshots in my
posession somehow - it'll be ended. I'll then go
about trying to find a new manager with my
Trinitrons tape, and hope there's direction. So
basically not only do I have no direction at
this point - I'll probably have to wait several
weeks and months until I can be in a position to
find a manager to give me that direction. LOL.
Sucks to be me right now.
Well it only gets
better Kontras. She mentioned to me yesterday that she
had absolutely no plans for Sunday. I said "cool" and
that we could FINALLY get together, as I didn't
REALLY care too much about the Superbowl. So
I got up around 9, and called her at 11:18. No
answer at home, and I left a message on the cell. I
called again at 12:30 at her office, home and cell
this time. I joked on the message that I wanted to be
sure she was alright and hadn't bumped her head in the
bathtub again. I couldn't imagine why she would answer
at home, at her office, or on her cell...
5 PM - still
nothing. At this point I've blown off a friend who
wanted me to join the Superbowl Party because
I needed to catch her phone call. Yeah, smart
move Adam. You'd think that past history would clue me
in as to what would happen. Left another message
around 5, and then 6:30. My tone of voice by this time
was a bit frustrated. She HAD to be up by this time,
and I was starting to REALLY think she was seriously
hurt. At 7 PM after the superbowl (WOW - great game),
I turn on my computer monitor and see that she's
actually left me an Instant Message.
Charlotte:
No, I am not alive....this time the bah
tub fell on me!
Charlotte:
bath tub..damn it
Charlotte
signed off at 4:56:55 PM.
Charlotte
signed on at 5:15:18 PM.
Charlotte
signed off at 5:18:44 PM.
I'm REALLY ticked
at this point. How can she JOKE about this? Yes,
I was being semi-sarcastic with my message, but it was
quite obvious I was a little concerned. And the
kicker: IF
SHE HAD THE TIME TO WRITE THIS....
WHY
DIDN'T
SHE
CALL?!?!?
So I leave a
message on all of her phones and I'm obviously angry.
I'm not yelling, I'm slowly stating: "Why on earth
wouldn't you call me...". Just completely at a loss
for words. Another day completely wasted. And then at
8 PM she gets back online. Here...we...go:
Charlotte
signed on at 8:08:21 PM.
Adam4tvs:
...
Charlotte:
hold on I am listing to your message on my
cel phone
Adam4tvs:
?
Adam4tvs:
lol
Adam4tvs:
CALL
Adam4tvs:
that pretty much covers it all freakin day
Charlotte:
ok, we are definitely having some
commuication problems...and if I were not
at my moms right now, I would call, but I
know we will get a bit loud with each
other
First
thing in my head? How the FUCK could she
be loud at me?! Where is the WEEE in this
comment? What could I have done to get
yelled at?
Adam4tvs:
your lack of respect for my time is
bordering on psychotic
Charlotte:
and she will ask what the hell is going on
and so I will try to address your emaila
and my im here if that's ok
Adam4tvs:
yup
Charlotte:
first off when you asked me what my plans
we for today, I specifically said to you I
had no plans...if the intention was to set
concrete plans to meet with you, I would
have done so..I did not want to set
another time and then have to cancel again
becasue I was not feeling well
Adam4tvs:
would it not be your intention to meet
with me on a day when you had no plans,
when for over a week you've been unable
to?
Charlotte:
my intention was to get better so as not
to waste a full week of work...which is
what I have been trying to do all day
today
Adam4tvs:
THEN TELL ME
Adam4tvs:
have some respect for someone who has
wasted day after day, week after week,
simply waiting for a call
Adam4tvs:
turning down invitations to see a certain
football game today
Adam4tvs:
because i had to WAIT for that
call
Charlotte:
secondly, your message earlier in the day
saying "are you alive or did you fall in
the tub again" was not taken well...as if
to say, hey unless your really badly hurt
you should not cancel with me
Adam4tvs:
unless you're badly hurt - you should
call
Adam4tvs:
especially considering what's happened
between us the past 5 or 6 times we
planned to meet
Feel
free to scroll up and see her response to
my bathtub comment. Did it seem like it
"was not taken well"?? In fact, I felt she
took it TOO WELL. She should've
realized I needed to hear from
her.
Charlotte:
and quite frankly that is not up to you to
decide...you are free not to like it, but
it is up to me to judge how I feel. I am
not so sick that I need to be peeled of
the floor, but it's not like we would be
meeting to do mindless work....I don't
know about you but when I am conjested, I
cannot concentrate
Adam4tvs:
then call
Adam4tvs:
i'm not judging how you feel
Adam4tvs:
i'm asking for considertaion
If
I could only remember what I wrote and
then erased here. GODDAMN I was pissed.
I couldn't believe she was turning
THIS into my fault. LOL. "you are free not
to like it, but it is up to me to judge
how I feel" -
WHAT THE FUCK IS SHE TALKING ABOUT?
ROFL! I'm just asking her to call me!
Charlotte:
For example, yesterday when you called and
I was in the car driving to my office I
didn;t even realize how far or rather
close I was, and then when I did, I turn
onto the wrong damn street into a dead
end
Adam4tvs:
you however are trying so hard right now
to be right - you can't even see what I'm
saying
Does
she not see how pathetic she is? How
amazingly juvenile she is? Does she think
she's pulling some cool psychology trick
by making HER look like the victim? As if
somehow it's my fault she turned on the
wrong street because
I CALLED HER?!?! KOO-KOO.
KOO-KOO.
Charlotte:
and finally, it;s hard enough
communicating on creative stuff when we
are both feeling well, but to do it when
either of us, or both are sick and
cranky....no thank u...case in point how I
feel writing this im and how your messages
on my cell phone sound...pissy
Adam4tvs:
you're amazing. I'm asking you to call and
say you don't feel well
Adam4tvs:
that would take 5 seconds out of your
day
Adam4tvs:
and keep me from wasting 12 hours of
mine
Adam4tvs:
but somehow it's my fault you didn't call
because I'd be pissy
Adam4tvs:
lol
Charlotte:
I am sorry you turned down invitations to
see a game, but that was becuase YOU
expected to meet...not becuase we set
another time to meet....
Adam4tvs:
heh
Adam4tvs:
lol
Adam4tvs:
wow
Adam4tvs:
You really believe you're right
here...
Adam4tvs:
In your heart you think there was no
reason to call me and say you didn't feel
well
Charlotte:
and there is no winning with you...if I
had set a time to meet today and then
would have to cancel, you would be pissed
as well....and pyschotic????? give me a
break, let's not get into who has respect
for whose time...pot calling kettle black
here
These
three messages are a little scary. It's at
this point I realized she fully
believes herself. She actually thinks:
"There's no winning with you" - That
comment almost made me punch the monitor.
Especially since EVERY SINGLE
TIME SHE CANCELLED - I was nice.
I was understanding. I was never rude. I
was always cool. I never ONCE said a
shitty thing to her after being fucked 5
times.
Adam4tvs:
after all that's been said the past
week...
Adam4tvs:
have i been pissed once this past
week?
Adam4tvs:
I've understood everything
Adam4tvs:
been excited for you pitch
Adam4tvs:
hoped you felt better
Adam4tvs:
understanding of long meetings
Charlotte:
honestly, I would have called you back
after you first vocemail on my cell phone
if it was just a plain message, but the
bath tub comment and the tone just pissed
me off
Adam4tvs:
ahhh
Adam4tvs:
ok
Yeah,
that's sarcasm on my part.
heh.
Charlotte:
hence me im back to you that said no I am
dead, this time bath tub fell on
me
Charlotte:
that should have indicated to you that I
did not appreciate such a comment and
actually, more the tone than even the
comment itself, which if said with a
different tone might have made me
laugh
How
the FUCK does she get off saying that this
comment...
Charlotte:
No, I am not alive....this time the bath
tub fell on me!
...should
indicate to me that she did not appreciate
my voicemail. She's so fucking full of
shit, that it's now backing up. And
honestly, this comment shows how little
respect she has for my intelligence.
Adam4tvs:
what time was the bathtub comment
left?
Charlotte:
side note...don't forget to watch It
factor at 9 on bravo
Adam4tvs:
if memory serves it was around 5
pm
Adam4tvs:
it may have been my 4the
message
Adam4tvs:
And this was the 6th day that we were
thinking of meeting
Charlotte:
NOOOOOOO, I listened to the messafe after
I woke up and that was arounf
1
Adam4tvs:
I left a message at 11:30
Adam4tvs:
12:30
Adam4tvs:
5
Adam4tvs:
and 6:30
Charlotte:
my cell phone did not have 4 message...you
must have left some at home
Adam4tvs:
i did!
Adam4tvs:
and at the office!
Adam4tvs:
Yet nothing from you
Charlotte:
which I haven't even checked
Charlotte:
I couldn't sleep all night and then this
morning the brazillian neighbors started
drumming around 9 so i went to my mom's
house to get some sleep
The
victim strikes once
again...
Adam4tvs:
lol - that's actually funny
Charlotte:
because after you first meassage I was
pissed off
Charlotte:
no that's not.
Adam4tvs:
and I'm most certain tha tmy first
messages did not mention a
bathtub
Adam4tvs:
it was once i thought the only reason you
would POSSIBLY have for not calling me was
you were hurt
Adam4tvs:
I was wrong
Adam4tvs:
heh
Adam4tvs:
But I will not continue this
argument
Adam4tvs:
What's next
Charlotte:
your first message may have been at home,
but the first one I heard was on the cell
and re: bath tub
Adam4tvs:
yeah that was round 2 for
me...
Adam4tvs:
but again
Adam4tvs:
this is well past the point of productive
- what's next
Charlotte:
ughhhhhhhh....next...well we WILL meet
tomorrow -2:30 is better for me, as I have
a lunch at 1
Knowing
what's happened the past 5 times we tried
to meet....how would you respond to this?
I sat for about 45
seconds...
Adam4tvs:
ok
Charlotte:
but so you know, we will have to be done
by 7:30 because I have a tracking dinner
at 8 that I can;t get out of
Adam4tvs:
????
Adam4tvs:
holy horseshit - 5 hours?
Adam4tvs:
what is it we're going over
again?
Adam4tvs:
A writing meeting correct?
Charlotte:
ok, I sense another another
issue...yesssss writing
meeting
You
know what really kills me here? The
"yessss". As if to say "You fucking
dumbass - of COURSE". How I contained
myself is quite impressive. Good thing we
weren't on the phone.
Adam4tvs:
No issue - I just had no clue you were
allowing for so much time
Charlotte:
I figure we would take the first hour up
with getting things out and in a good
mood, then go over the outline for a
BIble, then go over the ideas about the
show ideas
Adam4tvs:
LOL
Adam4tvs:
ok
Adam4tvs:
heh
Adam4tvs:
sounds good.
Adam4tvs:
do i need to call you
tomorrow?
Adam4tvs:
or should I just be there at
2:30...
Charlotte:
what did you expect to happen..brb, mom
and my sister arguing loudly...rarely
hapens....NOOOOO, just be there are
2:30
Adam4tvs:
ok
Adam4tvs:
then go ahead...
Adam4tvs:
and I'll talk to you
tomorrow..
Charlotte:
no i am back, I just misheard
Charlotte:
herd
Adam4tvs:
you were right the first time
Adam4tvs:
heh
Charlotte:
ha ha, I noticed after I typed, so you
tell me, what did you expect to happen in
these meetings
Adam4tvs:
the same thing
Adam4tvs:
just again - didn't think it would take 5
hours
Adam4tvs:
but I'm not bitching - just trying to
sincerely show suprise
Adam4tvs:
and it's not coming across too
well...
Charlotte:
well I don;t think all the meeting will be
4 hours , but being that;s it the first
with writing and having missed several
meeting, five hours would be just abut
right
Adam4tvs:
ok
Adam4tvs:
that sounds good...
Adam4tvs:
I will be there with bells on
Charlotte:
ok, well see you tomorrow then...I am now
loggin off
Charlotte
signed off at 8:46:25 PM.
So what would you
do? Would you go? Of course I will...and then
I'll go by myself to the Improv to see the space. Why?
Only because she told me so. There is ABSOLUTELY no
reason at this point, but she says I should. And that
is why I'll do everything from now on. All the while
knowing this is completely temporary and the second I
have an out - I'm gone. Welcome to Los Angeles. The
place where the only way you can get ahead is use
people like they use you. Turns my fuckin' stomach. I
truly hope I will run into people in the future aren't
like this.
But
GOD LOVE the music - huh?!?! I
feel so bad, but I can't write a song for
Jessica to save my life!!! LOL!!! She's so
fucking wonderful! But when life sucks -
it POURS OUT. I will easily have 5-6
songs written in this week alone. This is
a bit of a "Lucy In the Sky with Diamonds"
ripoff
-
but it's nice...
As for Charlotte,
it's obvious her insecurities about being a woman in
this industry are MUCH worse than I ever thought. Her
obsession to ALWAYS be right, when she's
obviously caught, really shows her mental instability.
I mean we all think we're right to some extent, and
fight for our side - but this is just nuts. This is
Brian and the DVD last year nuts (oooooh cool, I can
say his name now!!). Man, what WILL tomorrow
bring...
