"And I will
always be heartbroken that Jess isn't part of this
anymore. Always. The Journey isn't the same without
her. It has a bit of "soul" chunked away. That will
never stop being sad to me. I just want to make
sure she achieves her dreams. Everytime I talk to
her I just want to put her on my shoulders and help
her get higher than she is. Goddamn that feeling is
so overwhelming. Strange."
-Entry
#500, March 10th, 2006
Strange is putting
it mildly.
The passion in me
to inspire is starting to define me. In almost every
relationship I currently have I'm finding that my goal
is to positively influence their
life...drastically. Looking back, this is
obviously true with Palaur, Minialaur...and I guess it
isn't necessarily a bad thing, but I know full well
what I'm trying to do is nearly impossible. The sort
of life changing inspiration I'm trying to give really
has to come from within...so by even trying to attempt
it, I'm setting myself up to fail miserably. Yet I
keep trying.
It's manipulative
really. Isn't it? Even though it's positive?
I mean, I just want the people around me to
have happy, positive lives... for example: I've been
trying to help Marrrrrrrrty MOOSE understand ways to
manage his finances so he has more freedom in life.
Yet, I don't give up if he doesn't do it. Or
trying to help him lose weight, or shit - anything we
all struggle with. Yes, he's my friend, I care about
him...but I KNOW that I go further than
most. Whereas most people would say: "You can't
make people change..." I know that, yet keep trying.
Keep believing, keep hoping, and honestly - keep
getting disappointed as I continually know the outcome
before it happens. Enough exposition Adam, the
eggshells are bracing themselves:
When Jessica and
I split, there was this unwritten agreement... We
both knew damn well that we had an incredibly special
bond. All the minor squabbles were just
that: minor. The bottom line was where to spend
the rest of our lives and there was no compromise. So
what we were doing was sacrificing the most incredible
bond we'd ever had with someone... for something even
better. Sounds insane, but that's how impossible the
city situation was for us. I would be a miserable
prick living back in Ohio and Jess was completely
unhappy in LA on every level. As 2 people who
loved one another we knew what needed to be done...
but back to the agreement part:
It all made sense
if we took the time and care to find that special bond
with someone else wherein the respective significants
had one major advantage: they were cool with Columbus
and LA. It was what made this never really feel like a
failure. The vision of her with a loving husband who
was fine staying in Ohio and her raising kids with her
family next door... that literally brought a tear of
joy to my eyes. That meant I helped her.
That meant I did the most loving thing any
husband could ever do and let go of something you
cherished knowing in the end they would be
happier...
...but what if
that didn't happen? What if they somehow got into
situations worse than the original? What does that
mean? Who judges worse/better? Would that make
the whole marriage a total failure? You sacrifice an
incredible connection with someone only to watch them
paint themselves into a corner and erase their hope of
achieving their dreams?
Imagine if
I met a girl, got her pregnant and moved back to
her family in MINNESOTA because she had to be near her
family. Wow. That's actually the first time I ever
even thought of that scenario, but I think we'd
all be in agreement that that would suck ass. Like
CLEAN SPHINCTER sucking. It would make
everything with Jess completely worthless and
would make our parting ways an utter failure on every
conceivable level. We were better off staying
together.
I know, I
know - this is the finest example of trying to "Have
your cake and eating it too". What we're trying to
achieve is so astronomically unfeasible and the
obvious outcome: One person thinks they know better
than the other what's right for them and you
cross that line. Up until about 2 month ago Jess and I
spoke almost daily. Yes, 2 years after the split we
have always been connected. Then a series of events
pissed me off to such an extent I literally cut
off ties. I couldn't believe what she was risking and
was flat-out ANGRY.
Twistedly - I was
angry not only for her... but for ME! You fuck your
shit up, and then ipso-facto our split becomes a
failure? When all this time we were able to kid
ourselves and act like it was this amazing gift to
each other? What a ridiculously unique situation
THIS is. It's like being a dad and no one being
good enough for your daughter. Ugh. At some point you
just let go and realize that it's not your place,
you've done all you can do.
This
is typing on eggshells obviously because
I'm avoiding any actual specifics about
what's angering me out of respect for Jess
and Gunner Greg. (LOL - I could make the
funniest entry ever I swear to you). Oh
well it's all filled with my bias anyway.
What? He's not like me in
EVERY POSSIBLE WAY!?!?!
WHAT THE FUCK! You're ruining
our DEAL!!!!
