A bit of a warning
here. This entry is absolutely massive. It could've
been 2 or 3 entries, but I couldn't artificially
string it out. This is really all just dealing with
the day that was 10/27. So please don't skip if you're
rushed, come back to it. All sortsa shit goin'
down.
So I uploaded my
first locked entry in over 18 months on Monday.
Exactly 100 entries after Vicodinner and just as
frightening. I'm sure many of you are wondering, and
all I can say is I had to write it, and I had to lock
it. No two ways around it. Basically, on October 27th,
2003 - Adam lost his mind...then regained it in what
has to be the biggest whirlwind day of my life.
Unbelieveable day. I don't know what it was, but when
I woke up that morning, the mixture of everything in
the world hit me so hard…I mean so unreasonably
hard that I was in a state of depression that was
easily equal to March 2002. If it sounds crazy, it's
because it is…or because I feel I am. No longer
joking, no longer hinting, no longer saying
I was - I do have serious wiring issues.
What makes that even more apparent is that by that
night, I had a meeting with 2 people that completely
reversed everything and I was immediately (and still
am) on top of the world…so happy I can barely
contain myself.
The kicker in all
this, is that at no time do I not realize
what's happening. I know I'm way too happy right now,
and I know I was way too depressed Monday. I try so
hard to temper the extremes, but I can't. I'm as
sincere as anyone I've ever known - and when I'm happy
I show it, when I'm not it's shown as well. It's those
extremes that make me who I am. What I'm feeling now
is so strong that I'm certain it's going to push me to
the next level. I have that obsessive drive with this
new information (that I'll get to in a moment) that
will fuel me. I can't try and temper that - I just
have to run with it….but with those highs, come
the flip side and I'll be damned if I know what to do
about that. I want to stay away from any sort of
anti-depressants for obvious reasons, but is there any
better candidate for them? I mean…whenever the
last entry is unlocked - y'all will fuh-reak. It's
unimaginable the thoughts I have and how easily I
rationalize jumping off a friggin' roof. I read it now
and I want to commit me for cryin' out loud. The video
was done afterwards, with me just trying to figure out
what to attach to the entry. Pretty much a
visual
representation of how I felt.
And although I'm
fine now, and feel I've probably got enough direction
now to fuel me for at least 6 months - it still
lingers. I have not conquered this, and I'm realizing
more and more that Charlotte only triggered what was
already wired early last year. It's always been within
me, but I had never failed before so it really never
came up. Showed signs of it during Palaur, when I
almost took a friggin' bottle of sleeping pills to
stop the pain of THAT situation, but then I blamed it
on the situation. Now I'm seeing that's not the case.
It's really been me all along and it's very, very
frightening.
And it's all live
on the net baby. (sigh) I'm really in too far to stop
now, and the only reason (and I do mean only) I
continue this is because I believe at some point there
will be someone in my shoes who will need to hear this
tale. It will help them. Because it sure as hell
doesn't help me to discover this side of me in any
sort of public eye. Especially when I'm the idiot
writing the entries.
But today is a new
day, and a new Adam. It's taken about 24 hours to sink
in, and even through my hyper analyzation (should be
ANAL-EYES-ation - lol) I am fairly certain that I've
found the direction...and in a play of words from the
very first Charlotte Entry: "Direction
Found: North",
I wrote "UP" because it's the only direction
left.
Alright, so as I
said before, the only direction I could think of was
hitting up booking agents and managers. Booking Agents
to create a College tour in the spring, and a manager
obviously for career direction. I'm in contact with a
manager now who should be in touch with me again by
next week. Haven't even known where to start with
booking agents, and of course Monday was the most
hellish day of my life. I had already made plans with
a patient to meet her for dinner (several patients
have gotten to know the whole Jess 5 week situation
and have invited the poor pathetic slob to dinner).
Marie is the mother of our physical therapist and she
and her husband came out and saw the show last month
and couldn't stop raving. They're both in the industry
from acting to movies to all sorts of projects. Been
out here awhile for sure.
So she really
wanted to talk about what I was doing with my career.
I can't tell you how many patients are so "Pro-Adam
making it". It's really a type of support I've never
dreamed would come from work. Crazy. So I explain
about the managers and we of course come to Charlotte.
I was vague, simply saying that when we didn't get
into Aspen everything changed for the worst and
imploded rather quickly. As well, that it beat my ass
for quite sometime. But I'm ready now and am starting
the search for another partner.
Pretty much at
this point her husband finally made it and they
started talking about aggressively interviewing
mangers. Asking them straight up: "What are you going
to do for me?"…period. They said bar-none, a
manager has to have enormous contacts to be of any
use, and if they don't have them, you're wasting your
time.
"When
you've used up all your managers contacts it will
quickly be turned on you."
Whew. That one was
a stinger. I never threw that in Charlotte's face
because I genuinely liked her…but when you look
at what she did in that year - there is not only no
positives, but the Paramount Casting Director sit-down
was a friggin travesty. Setting up a meeting, but
never telling me I needed to bring a headshot/resume -
and the CD actually confronted me on that saying "what
do you expect me to do without those?" Unbelieveably
embarrassing situation that Charlotte said was no big
deal. And of course, no one at the 3 shows she booked
- the Amagi debacle that was nothing more than a rumor
of an agency being there, to the Saget debacle, and of
course Aspen… whew. When you look at everything
and then how it was all turned on me "not doing
enough"…it's a very obvious and unfortunate
reality of the entire year. I do believe her heart was
(sometimes) in the right place, but she was in way
over her head. Especially considering how much the
show sold itself once it was seen.
They were also
amazed that Charlotte would try to narrow the scope of
my talents to just acting when it sells so much else
short. They said many times "Don't sell yourself
short, the offers will come FROM the show - not by
stripping it down."
And the show was
another thing they both nailed. The product is done.
It's perfect. There's nothing more that needs to be
done on my part other than perform it. My barrier is
getting the right butts in the seats. And then Paul,
the husband, just smacked me. Seriously, he stood up
and struck me in the face. LOLOL. Just kidding. That
made me laugh. Heh, sorry. No, he said:
"What you really
need, is to hire a publicist. Forget about a manager
right now. A good publicist will make your show the
talk of the town. They'll get the right people there,
because that's their only job. A manager making 10% or
15% won't do that for you."
And then it hit
me. I was watching Inside Edition the other night and
they had a bit on a three-woman show right here in LA.
It seemed like a local news report but it was
national. It blew my mind. There were no names in the
show - nothing, but they did the bit on it. That's a
publicist. That's firepower. And honestly, with as
good as the show is - all I need is a hype machine.
And Christ think
of all the hype that goes on for CRAP acts. For
talent-less hacks. This is 60 minutes that really is
impressive on so many levels. It could live up to
almost any pitch someone would give for it. You could
call me the next "Anyone" and after the show, people
would believe it. Of course it will take money, but
that's fine with me. Every spare cent I have will go
to that person if they can pull it off.
A publicist. A
straight up, well-connected person who knows how to
pull the right media strings. Worth their weight in
GOLD. That's it. And the only reason I'm soooooo
certain about this is the product is sooooooooo
polished. No one is gonna watch the show and go "eh,
I've seen better". No one has ever seen something like
this - there isn't a comparison. Sure there are better
actors, or better comedians, or better writers, or
better singers, or better directors, or better editors
(getting my point yet?), or better technicians, or
better DVD authorers, or better inventors…but
together you have something special.
And honestly, it
made me stop envying actors. For a long time after
Charlotte, and even during - I envied the actor in
this city because their path is sooooooo straight
forward. You don't need a publicist when you're an
actor (high level ones do, but for different reasons)
you just go to as many auditions as possible, get
agents to get you to more and just push push push.
That was enviable to me. No one understood that
either. They kept saying "You're sooo far ahead of
them" and I couldn't see it. Now I do.
It's unreal, this
one idea, from the tiniest of brainstorming sessions,
brought everything into focus. My whole life is
half-full now in the blink of an eye. Just before, the
last patient of the day said no lights were on in the
parking lot, so I walked out on the roof to see (we're
in the penthouse, roof has access to the stairs). I
fell into the fantasy/reality cycle where you imagine
doing something so much you can't decipher when it's
real. Looking over the edge and just doing it. Boom in
one second it would all be gone. So irrational, but so
sincerely what I felt like. And I have no defense for
that. I am reading the same words you guys are, and
it's as crazy to me as it must be to you. I sincerely
don't know what to say.
So I went home and
started looking up publicists. Found 2 online that
looked good and were requesting submissions. A lot of
these places are event promoters, so it was nice to
find ones that were specifically people driven. As
well, I remembered that someone I knew back at the
Magnolia Apartments was a publicist so I emailed her -
and then today, whew a great contact.
The lady who told
me to send the press release out in Columbus (which
worked well) used to do publicity for movie studios.
She's on a different side of things now, but still
with the motion picture industry. She know a LOT of
people who could help. She even said she'd love to
help if she only had the time. She said what I need
will take a tremendous amount of effort and would need
someone very devoted - she wouldn't want to half-ass
it. But she knows a lot of publicists that worked with
the studios that are now free-lance and she'd call
them today and see what she can get goin'. She's seen
Trinitrons Part 1 so she's completely
on-board.
And there you are.
Distinct direction. A Clear sky. Ironic considering
the inferno around us, and the smoke that fills Los
Angelino's vision these days. And btw - my house is
alright, we're not THAT North here in North Hollywood,
but I gottta admit - it's damn scary. When we lived in
Canoga Park, we were very, very close to Chatsworth
which is starting to be evacuated. Unbelieveable how
epic this fire is. Worse than that though, is what's
gonna happen when the rains hit in November and the
mud slides start. And man, the earthquake potential
right now is off the charts. We're soooooooooo due out
here, and all signs are pointing to it from weather to
just general disaster mentality. Everyone is braced
for the worst to be sure.
And finally, the
next entry is gonna be a big one as well. The movie I
was in, Net Games, was released on DVD and I'm gonna
have my clips online in a day or so. So, so, so cool.
Stay Tuned.
What a crazy,
fucked up journey this has been. The transformation is
brutal boy.
But I'm like y'all
- I really can't wait to see what happens
next.
Adam
PS - Oh shit,
almost forgot about the video. What would usually be a
whole half an entry to itself - Doogie Howser was in
Best Buy when I was buying the Sopranos Season 4 DVD
set. I swear this is the most surreal town in the
world. Anyone who's famous after 2000 when I got here
- no big deal to me whatsoever. But when someone who
was a star from your childhood is just there in front
of you - it's weird. Like REALLY weird. Like you can't
get it out of your head weird. So there was Doogie
(who is friggin' STACKED now - like almost comically
too muscular) with sunglasses on and was looking quite
frantically for something. I'll respectfully call him
Neil as something tells me in ten years I will grimace
at being called Spencer in public or some shit. But
anyway he just blends in. No one gave a second glance
really. I mean do you guys remember how big that show
was? Checkout girl just said: "Hey, there's Doogie
Howser". And yup there he is.
It's like going to
TV Land to buy groceries or something. You know? I
cannot tell you how freaky it is to see TV stars
shopping for electronics or movies. Again, people my
age who are on TV now…eh, we're all in the same
boat - they're just further ahead then me…but
80's stars? Well that's just SURRRRreal.
So
there you go. Oh jesus - the
video.
That's classic, forgetting it twice in a
PS. LOL. Man I'm all over the place today.
Cameron's opening on the DVD has the
Doogie Howser Theme song. Heh. All that
introduction for a 20 second clip. That's
Adam for ya.
