Man, it really has been 3 years.
This was the worst month of my life 3 years ago. The
basis for Hearing
My Thoughts. You think
you're never gonna get over it. And in many ways I
haven't. It's now always in the back of my head that
things can fall apart in an instant, and there's not
much you can do about it. It definitely makes me
appreciate my time more. I'm talking about my first
marriage. Any of you listening to The Late Show during
August of 1997 remember it well. You think I'm open
now? LOL. That microphone, and those listeners, were
my "journey" then. I'll never forget that first show
that I told everyone. Did a show on your lowest
points. Great show. Still listen to it from time to
time. August was such an overwhelmingly shitty month.
Burg came to me 10 days previous and said she didn't
have "those feelings" for me. Because her grandfather
was a lawyer, and quite happy about her decision, the
seperation papers were signed on August 1st.
I moved in with my father for a month and was in
hell. No one to talk to...except the listeners. I
finally got an apartment on September 1st and was well
on my way to recovering when Palaur
happened in January. Just a traumatic
time.
I'm saying all this obviously,
because one week from today I jump back in again. It
doesn't really scare me at all, I knew the week I met
her I was ready. The worry obviously comes when
I remember that I felt the same way about
Burgundie. So many similarities. Best friends, loved
to be together...from the beginning. Jess is even the
same age Burg was when we got married. Actually a year
older now that I think of it. Either way incredibly
young. On the verge of changing SOOO much. That's
all your 20's are for really. Evolving. In an ideal
world you go crazy in your 20's and get married in
your 30's. Unfortunately I don't want to wait,
and I just have to pray that Jess will evolve
with me and not from me as Burgundie
did.
On the other hand, getting to this
point with someone AFTER going through a "Burg" should
show the strength of the relationship. I'll admit at
the beginning with Jess I was NOT about to let my
guard down. I knew right away she was right, but I
couldn't handle letting her know. It's all moot now as
we'll be married shortly. I'm so excited. I'm so
excited that I AM excited! I've been through
more with Jess than any person I've ever known. The
struggle to get 4tvs off the ground basically
coincided with our relationship. All of 1999 trying to
save and build 4tvs up and now 2000 trying to stay
alive to see it produce success...I love her to death.
I'm amazed that I can feel so good again after the
trauma of Burg. But I do.
Oddly enough, Burgundie is taking
the pictures at the wedding. Very important for me to
have my family see us all getting along. Even when
Burg and I broke up, we knew we were always
friends and tried to show our family that just because
this is breaking off doesn't mean our whole
relationship was a farce. They certainly weren't
buying it. And neither was I at the beginning I guess.
But ever since Palaur,
Burg and I have been able to talk as brother and
sister, as opposed to exes. It's really nice. We were
both only children and it's nice to be able to call
her up and just see how she is. What she's dealing
with now, and talk about our lives. And we worked at
it. That may be the key. So many people just blow off
divorces and try to run so far from it. Burg and I
were able to just rework our relationship, and it's
made the past so much easier to
handle...ANYWAY:
I almost wish I had all these
nervous feelings I could type so it'd be funny to look
back on them. I will say this about the differences
between Jess and Burg. From the beginning burgundie
was independent to a fault. Seperate bank accounts
even when we were married. I was making quite a
bit more than her and yet we were still splitting the
bills. Any thought of children with me made her vomit.
LOL - it wasn't that bad, but she was not ready.
Constantly "SURE" that she knew what she wanted in
life, and the next moment constantly "SURE" it was
something else. Jessica and I talk about family like
we talk about the weather. Well, much more than the
weather out here...there is no weather out
here...Jessica knows she wants children, as do I, and
there's much more "oneness" between us. We think the
same, we want the same, and we are the same. Seperate
bank accounts? We've had the same bank account since
December of 1998. Hell we couldn't even affor dthe
monthly fees on two accounts! Burg was my best friend,
but Jess is my best me. She makes me want to succeed
more than even my own determination. Quite simply,
I cannot dream of a life without her - and that's
why we're getting married.
3 years of bachelordome....what am
I saying...really about one summer. LOL. I felt
like a bachelor for ONE summer. The remainder of
1997 even though there were other women, it was the
furthest thing from carefree...then freakin'
PALAUR.
My second marriage in every sense but the law's. What
a mindfuck that was. But then summer rolled around and
whew...the late show...the listener bits...the
un-aired listener bits. Yeah Marty, I do miss it a
little bit. It was fun. Speaking of which, prepare to
get your ass beat at NFL
BLITZ MARTY MY BOY. I haven't played it
since you and I did last year and I'm ready to whoop
your ASS. Oh and I hear it's gonna rain this week in
COLUMBUS!!!! HOT DAMN! I'm so damn excited!!!
I swear to you, I haven't seen a rain cloud since
April. EARLY April. You can't imagine how badly I want
to run around in the rain.
Oh, and by the way our
apartment rocks. It's so cool it's
incredible. I've finally gotten the boxes
positioned in such a way that it looks
like a real apartment. Man, I need to sell
some of these CDS! Feel free to email me
if you'd like any. Oh and the video! My
appearence may be a bit shocking to ya. I
was gonna wait until I got back so I could
shock my dad at the airport, but screw
it...it's too funny to hold for 2 more
weeks. Enjoy.