Talya and I aren't
too accustomed to these in our relationship. Our time
together has been defined by utter peace and calm and
we're now dealing with two remarkably dramatic
situations (one legitimate between family and locked -
the other, you all know far too well). Unfortunately
the stupid one continues to eat at us even though we
act like it's no big deal anymore because it truly is
so black and white.
For me, and
probably eventually for Talya, the problem is simple:
The Journey. It is a wide open gateway to havoc if in
the hands of someone who wants to hurt you. And as
long as it stays public? It always will be. That's a
pretty heavy price to pay. Especially considering the
only people that would ever go back that far? Are
usually looking for something. And I'm happy to make
it colorful and easy to skim. (sigh). Does this ever
end? This latest event is certainly giving me
pause.
I can handle it,
but when it hurts people I love? I'm incredibly
conflicted. Now I know, logic tells you that The
Journey didn't hurt anyone, the snake spitting venom
at your loved one did... but The Journey did supply
the ammunition. Or look at it like this, we're all
adults in this situation. What happens when I have
children? And they go to school, and kids google their
name? How's that for a nightmare? So my kid has to
take shit for whatever an 8 year old deems is worthy
to pick out of my past and throw in his/her face?
Jesus, how the hell do real celebrities do it? Do
Eddie Murphy's kids deal with tranny jokes? Are sins
of the father that painful? Here, I'll save them the
trouble:
I mentioned
this to my mom and she said "It was fashionable at the
time". She forgot to end that sentence with "...for
boys whose mothers desperately wanted a girl". That is
bar-none the most effiminate outfit I have ever
seen a pre-pubescent child in and that child is ME.
What the fuck. And I don't mean dressing up as a
girl on halloween (oh wait, I did that TOO) I
mean, this was my normal, daily, fucking outfit. Short
shorts, a half-shirt, knee high socks... I'm
describing a hot chick on spring break, right? Nope.
Me at 10. And you know, I remember "the times", I
remember the 80s, in fact we can all still look
at movies, tv shows and PICTURES from the 80s and
there's nothing about that outfit that seems
"decade-appropriate". I mean, maybe individually?
Like, you wear those socks if you're playing soccer,
you wear those shorts if, uhm, you're a boy going to a
NAMBLA meeting, and you have that shirt and
MULLET... fuck it, no. That was child abuse.
Ha.
:-)
Anyway, the
surrealness of everything is that I'm not kidding when
I say I'm not embarrassed by what's in the entries.
Not because I'm proud of everything, but I know it's
who I was at the time and because anyone can ask me
about it and I have no problem talking with them. But
never speak to me? And skip around picking out bits
and pieces to boot? It's, as I said, a goddamned field
of land mines. Because I don't spin shit. There are
absolutely entries where I think I come off as an
asshole. No doubt. It's why all of this drama was so
telling about their character - it never occurred to
them that I don't mind the egg on my face. Clearly
they do and avoid it all costs, so they assume I'm
doing the same thing. If you don't understand that
single fact? I become an instant asshole. Because most
people would take down the entries that no longer
define them? People assume they must still represent
me because they're still up. It's the only reason why
the moniker "world's first and longest running" is
impressive, specifically for a personal video blog.
People take this shit down. They take down their
Facebook pics, they update their status... it's always
a living document of the moment and can easily be
suited to who you are right then.
I don't really
know what to do. If I'm to spend the rest of my life
with someone, they will now have to answer for me,
because I've chosen to air my dirty laundry. That
breaks my heart. It is a burden. It is a lot to ask,
and if it can come this strongly from friends? What
about enemies? I can't sit and watch Talya cry too
much longer before I'm in an incredibly tough place.
And goddamnit you want to know what she cried about
drama queens? You made fun of someone she loves. You
were mean to someone she cares about. You talked about
us badly behind our backs at the same time we were
driving home smiling that we took the time to get out
of bed to come to your party or show support by going
to your show. We felt like we were being good friends
and building bonds, and never once did either of you
(still) pick up a phone. You posted back and forth
jokes about my attire on your pages, and she gently
cried about it. Seriously, fuck you for that. I want
to think that we'll both be stronger in the future,
but if not for The Journey (which had been read
incessantly by them from the moment we met), we
wouldn't have to be. I feel responsible...
...and now? I get
to make a MOVIE about it! (sigh) Fucking fuck the
timing couldn't be worse. I want to hide The Journey
right now, not flaunt it. So the next hundred hours of
editing for the show on the 26th (that I've put off so
long there won't even be time for a proper
announcement and trailer) will be ripping open every
vulnerable moment of my life and then poor Talya gets
to sit through screenings and then go back to Columbus
and meet all these people... What was once an exciting
and happy moment now feels gut-wrenching because two
selfish, and yes narcissistic people decided to pummel
her with doubt. Now I'm guessing on the doubt part
because she says emphatically she has no doubts about
us... but come on, at the end of the day you're left
staring at a page of links to over 1600 entries since
1995 and even I'm wondering, "shit, maybe there IS
something I'm missing?". It's like that Chris Rock bit
where he says he got pulled over and the cop was
upset, for a moment he actually thought he may have
stolen his own car. LMAO. If people yell loud enough,
it's human nature to listen for a moment.
I'm just very sad
that this has dampened how happy we have been. It's so
wonderful to meet someone who you not only get along
with, but everyone around you sees it... and they're
happy for you. It's not fun to feel like you're
fighting the world. Maybe this feeling will fade, but
unfortunately because of The Journey, we are always
going to feel like we have to prove something because
of my past. Just a really shitty feeling.
